Helpless Romantic
by SugaKane01
Summary: This is a Hotch/Reid story and its a collection of song inspired one shots that show scenes from their relationship.  This is SLASH.  Rating subject to change depending on future chapters. Now rated M...lol blame Hotch.
1. Understanding

A/N I'm still working on Wicked Games but I was reading a bunch of Hotch/Reid fanfic and got all inspired. I'm not sure what to call these exactly but they're basically a collection of song inspired ficlets/drabbles/one shots/whatever's of scenes, in no particular order, from their relationship.

Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds or any of the songs used in the fics.

**Understanding**

I try so very hard  
To keep our love alive (Yes, I do)  
But you don't wanna meet me half way  
Then the understanding dies

There's no way that we can work it out  
If we don't pull together  
I don't mean to be demanding  
But I want some understanding_  
__I wanna be with you_

~ Xscape

Spencer sat on the porch swing, sightlessly looking up into the night sky, nursing his third, fourth(?) glass of wine and waiting on Aaron to come home. His chest tightened painfully at the thought of his lover. Spencer drained his glass and poured himself another, knowing that he shouldn't be seeking solace at the bottom of a bottle but not being able to bring himself to care enough to stop. As the events of the evening played back through his head he closed his eyes against the burn of unshed tears and unwanted memories, finished his wine and made his way into the house and up to bed.

"_Spencer, could you just please at least __**try**__ to be understanding." Aaron ground out as he yanked on his suit jacket and raked his hand through his hair. "Where are my car keys?" He muttered to himself as he paced the room. He was on his way to pick up his son Jack from his ex sister in law Jessica's house and then they were going to make their way downtown to her stepson Daniel's high school graduation. Aaron was already in danger of running late, and he didn't have time to explain to Spencer for the hundredth time why he couldn't go to the ceremony and subsequent party with him and Jack. "Haley's family will be there. I don't want to be insensitive to their feelings."_

"_So you'd rather be insensitive to mine?" Spencer asked quietly. "It's been two years Aaron; I live with you and Jack, Jessica invited me. Why can't I-"_

"_Spencer, it's a Danny's graduation dinner. It's a family event, surely you can understand why showing up with my boyfriend might be a touch inappropriate." Aaron said, not even bothering to look at Spencer as he searched the bureau for his keys. "Got them." He said triumphantly, snatching the keys from the desk. "Jack's spending the night at Jessica's and I will be back late. There's no need for you to wait up." Aaron exited the room,not wanting to fight and deciding that a strategic retreat was his best bet._

_Spencer sat on the edge of the bed letting Aaron's words wash over him. __**"It's a family event." **__He tried not to panic, tried not to read into what Aaron had said, tried not to let his insecurities take over but it was a losing battle. _

_Spencer made his way into the kitchen and got a bottle of white wine from the wine fridge. "Two years." He said to himself as he dug the corkscrew out of the drawer. "It's been two years." Spencer knew that two years may not seem like a long time to most people for him it seemed like a lifetime and it hurt to think that while he considered Aaron and Jack his family the sentiment may not be returned. _

"_Try to be understanding." He mumbled as he poured his first glass of wine and made his way onto the back deck. Spencer felt like he'd been nothing but understanding. He'd understood when Aaron didn't want people to find out about them. He'd understood when Aaron had pulled back from him during the aftermath of Haley's death. He heard his cell ring but since it wasn't JJ's ringtone he ignored it in favor of another glass of wine. Be more understanding. He downed that glass then poured another. He'd understood himself into exhaustion. He'd understood every single birthday celebration, dinner party, and holiday celebration Aaron had excluded him from. He knew Aaron's relationship with Haley's family was strained and Aaron tried to remain on good terms with them for Jack's sake and Spencer didn't want to do anything to upset that balance so he'd put on a brave face, soothed Aaron's guilt and_ _understood_ _every single time he'd been left behind. But this…this was different. He'd been invited. Jessica had welcomed him and it was Aaron who was excluding him. Spencer didn't want to think about what that meant so he didn't. _

_He drained his glass and poured himself another drink, looked up into the night sky and tried to ignore the little voice in his head that was asking him if he maybe, just maybe, it was Aaron's turn to be understanding._


	2. Complicated

Part Two: Hotch's POV

**Complicated**

I wish I could change  
I wish I could change  
I wish I could stop  
Sayin the same old things  
I wish I could be  
Who u want me 2 be  
I wish I could stop  
Being the same old me  
I wish I could lose  
All of my blues  
I wish I could stop  
Puttin my blues on u  
I wish I could love  
Like nobody loves  
I wish that my goods  
Outweighed my bads enough

~Complicated, Robin Thicke

Aaron cautiously made his way into the bedroom and tried to fight down the feeling of unease he had in the pit of his stomach. He'd thought Spencer's presence at a Brooks family function would be insensitive and ill mannered. He knew Jessica had become fond of Spencer but he'd assumed her invitation had been made in "good faith" and that she couldn't have _actually _intended for Spencer to come, for Aaron to flaunt his happiness in front of Haley's family, a good portion of which still held resentment toward him for the divorce and Haley's death. So he'd been completely taken aback when Jessica had made no secret of her displeasure at Spencer's absence. When Aaron had explained he thought Spencer's presence at a family function might ruffle some feathers Jessica had given him a sharp look and told him in a clipped tone that reminded him all too much of an angry Haley that she hoped he hadn't given that same explanation to Spencer and then turned and walked away.

As he stood gaping after her Aaron realized that he had, in fact, said those exact words to Spencer. While he watched Jack entertain his cousins with magic tricks that Spencer had taught him regret washed over him. He groaned, knowing that he couldn't have done a better job of putting his foot in his mouth if he were a contortionist. Aaron took out his cell and tried to place a covert call to Spencer but the call went to voicemail, and so did the four others he placed during the course of the evening. A vague feeling of dread came over him and he realized that it was how he used to feel right before a fight with Haley, when he'd known no matter what he said or did it would be wrong, that he would be wrong. It was a feeling he hadn't felt for a long time and didn't want to start feeling it in regards to his relationship with Spencer.

Things with Spencer were so different. With Haley things had always been so complicated. He was honest enough to admit a large part of the fault lay with him. He wasn't an easy man to love or to live with. Aaron was a complicated man, who held himself to impossible standards and in pursuit of meeting those standards he often forgot the things that were truly important. He wanted to learn from his past…he didn't want to make the same mistakes with Spencer he'd made with Haley. He promised himself that this was the last event he'd go to without Spencer on his arm. He only hoped that when he got home his lover was in a forgiving mood.

Once he stepped into the dark bedroom he went from contrite to concerned. Spencer was lying face down across the bed, fully dressed with an empty wine bottle on the floor. "Spencer?" He came over and shook him awake. "Spencer. Spencer wake up. Spencer…are you ok?" Just as panic was starting to set in Spencer raised his head and he found himself staring into two unfocused hazel eyes.

"Wha timesit?" Spencer slurred, struggling to pull himself up into a sitting position on the bed.

"Late." Aaron answered, trying to quell his panic. Spencer rarely drank and even when he did he never got drunk. "Are you ok? Were you ok tonight?" Part of Aaron was quietly freaking out that Spencer had gotten drunk and he was worried that this was some type of relapse and another part of him was desperate to not make things worse. He took a deep breath. "Spencer, about tonight-"

"Issok." Spencer answered, giving up on trying to sit up and flopping back on the bed. "You were wit yer family. I had my buddies Earnest an Julio ta keep me company." Spencer mumbled.

"Damn it." Aaron bit out the curse. Spencer had obviously read more into the comment than he'd meant. "Spencer, I didn't mean –"

"Issok." Spencer interrupted a bit too loudly. "I unnerstand. Thas wha ya wanted isst it? Me ta be unnerstandin." He slurred before closing his eyes and drifting back to sleep.

Aaron closed his eyes. He wanted to apologize but he knew a drunk, angry Spencer would hardly be receptive and it would be better for them to talk in the morning. He went to their dresser and took out Spencer's navy blue pj's and proceeded to dress his lover for bed. It was no easy feat but Aaron eventually got Spencer settled. He then went and made a pitcher of ice water, retrieved a glass and set them on the bedside table, along with a bottle of aspirin. After he'd changed into his night wear he switched on the small night light they kept on Spencer's side of the bed. Aaron then climbed into bed next to Spencer and gathered him into his arms.

As he breathed in the young man's scent and ran his fingers through his hair he promised himself that he'd do better, he'd be better and in the morning he'd make things up to Spencer and they'd be fine. He loved Spencer and Spencer loved him, it was that simple and Aaron couldn't allow them to get complicated. As he drifted off to sleep he did his best to quiet his fear that things would never be that simple because Aaron didn't know how to let them be.


	3. Teach Me

A/N This is meant to be Hotch/Reid but if you take a hallucinogenic, tilt your head, squint and look out your good eye you might see a tiny flash of one-sided Hotch/Garcia. Also I'm speaking ill of the (fictional) dead because Haley doesn't come off in the best light. Specific spoilers from 100, general spoilers up to the current season.

Warnings: a tiny bit of bad language, references to child abuse and emotional abuse

**Teach Me**

I was told the true definition of a man, was to never cry,  
work till you die (yea), got to provide (yea),  
always be the rock for my fam,  
protect them by all means and give you the things that you need. baby.  
Our relationship is suffering trying to give you what I never had  
you say I don't know how to love you babe, well I say show me the way,  
I keep my feelings deep inside I, shadow them with my pride I,  
I'm trying desperately baby just work with me.

Teach me how to love, show me the way to surrender my heart,

I'm so lost, teach me how to love, how I can get my emotions involved,  
teach me. show me how to love  
show me the way to surrender my heart,  
I'm so lost, teach me how to love, how I can get my emotions involved,  
teach me (how to love)

~Teach Me, MusiqSoulChild

Years ago in a house of horrors, in a moment of desperation and determination, Aaron Hotchner had asked his team to name his worst quality. Their answers had ranged from bully to drill sergeant. Sitting in his study surrounded by case files and reports, smiling at the sound of Jack and Spencer's off key warbling to the Alvin and the Chipmunks soundtrack, he wondered what they'd say if he were to ask them what they thought of him today, all these years later.

Morgan, he mused, would describe him as demanding and unyielding. He would say that Hotch was not a man to be questioned or resisted and over the years Morgan had learned that the hard way. JJ, by contrast, would be more diplomatic and less brutally honest, like she was all those years ago when she'd called him a bully when what she really wanted to call him was an asshole. She would use words like dedicated and honorable, when what she really wanted to say was that he was a workaholic and held himself and those around him to impossible standards. Prentiss had no such compulsions and while she wouldn't go out of her way to be hurtful, she would be blunt. Her responses would include the phrases alpha male and dominant personality. Garcia, he theorized, wouldn't answer with a phrase or a word, she'd give a speech about how Hotch might appear stoic and humorless but underneath he was a good man, solid and strong before stumbling to a close and realizing she'd revealed far more about herself than she had about him. Rossi wouldn't answer; he'd just smirk, fold his arms over his chest, raise an eyebrow and ask him why he wanted to know. The other agents under his command would vary from the complimentary (ambitious, confident, and capable) to the derisive (control freak, domineering, and inflexible). The descriptions would remain relatively consistent until you got to Spencer Reid. With Spencer, words like insecure, fragile, needy, vulnerable and afraid would come into play. These words would never even cross the minds of most people, not in reference to Aaron, but Spencer Reid was not most people and years of sharing Aaron's bed and his life gave him a perspective on the man that most people would never have nor understand.

Most of the time Aaron was grateful for the understanding and that Spencer's acceptance of him went past his carefully crafted exterior and extended to his faults and his failings. Most of the time it was a saving grace for Aaron that Spencer loved him without condition or restraint, that he could make mistakes or disappoint him and didn't have to worry that Spencer was silently seething, waiting to ambush and emasculate him days later with a list of all the ways he found him inadequate. Spencer challenged many of Aaron's long held beliefs about what a man was supposed to be, lessons that had been literally beaten into him in his childhood and then figuratively beaten into him during his marriage. Most of the time Aaron was profoundly grateful to Spencer for freeing him, other times he found himself filled paralyzing fear because while that freedom gave Aaron the knowledge of how _not_ to love Spencer (distantly, cautiously, suspiciously) it told him nothing of how he should be loving him and if there was one thing Aaron Hotchner couldn't stand it was uncertainty.

Aaron had grown up in house where expectations and appearances were everything. As the oldest he knew what the expectations of him were and he knew he had two choices: meet them or exceed them. The consequences for failing to do so were swift and severe. When he married Haley he inherited a new set of expectations but his choices remained the same. He'd given it a valiant effort, succeeding for awhile in appearing to be the perfect husband with the perfect family and the perfect home while still being the perfect agent but eventually it had crumbled and the punishment for that failure had been far worse than any his father had ever inflicted. With Spencer Aaron found that all that was expected of him was to simply try. It was the effort, not the outcome that Spencer held in the highest regard. There were times when Aaron still didn't understand how Spencer could be so appreciative of him merely trying but he was and Aaron was grateful.

When Aaron and Spencer began moving from friends to lovers Aaron found himself in a constant state of confusion because with Spencer the old rules didn't apply. Aaron had been taught it was a man's place to provide, but Spencer didn't need Aaron to provide financial security for him. His FBI salary may not be on par with Aaron's but if he ever decided to retire and go into the private sector his genius would be handsomely rewarded. Aaron had once let his curiosity get the better of him and peeked at one of the job offers Spencer was inundated with on a regular basis and nearly passed out when he saw the offered salary. Spencer may need Aaron, but he didn't need him for money.

Aaron was a natural protector and would defend Spencer with his last breath if need be, but while he was no prize fighter Spencer was fully trained FBI agent, carried a gun (and had become one hell of a good shot over the years) and had, more often than not, demonstrated that when backed into a corner he was quite capable of defending and saving himself. So Aaron doubted that Spencer would need or expect him to fight for his honor as Aaron had been taught a man should do for the one he loved.

Aaron had been taught that love required tangible evidence otherwise the proper appearance wouldn't be achieved and he wasn't to be believed. He'd learned as a child that "family vacations" were less about family and more about his father's guilt and his mother's need to escape the neighbors whispers. As an adult he'd learned that while Haley enjoyed it when he brought her breakfasts in bed and drew her bubble baths, she couldn't show those off to her garden club as easily as a Tiffany watch. He'd learned I love you was a nice sentiment but it needed to accompany something wrapped up in pretty paper or be the tag line for some grand gesture. With Spencer the words were enough. He looked at Aaron with the same admiration if he were handing him a cup of coffee or taking him on a surprise trip to New York. Aaron was enough for Spencer and he didn't quite know what to make of that.

Aaron had been taught a man remained in control and didn't ever let himself appear vulnerable. Aaron had learned at the end of his father's belt that when he got hit that even if hurt he'd better not cry and he'd learned the same lesson years later at the end of Haley's tongue. With Spencer it was a lesson he was slowly unlearning. The first time he'd broken down in front of him he'd expected Spencer to scorn him, to be disappointed in him and to throw his weakness back in his face. When he'd tried to retreat in embarrassment, Spencer had placed his arms around him and quietly told him the fable of The Oak and The Reeds*. When he'd finished he'd looked Aaron in the eye and told him that he was there for him whenever he needed to bend to keep from breaking.

Aaron had thought in this relationship he'd be the leader and Spencer the follower. And in many ways he'd been right. Spencer understood Aaron's need for control and his dominant tendencies and more often than not was appreciative of them. After all, Spencer had spent his entire life taking care of himself and entire childhood taking care of his mother. It was comforting to him to turn over some of his control, to have that level of trust and faith in another person. But when it came to the emotional aspects of their relationship, it was definitely Spencer who was steering the ship. Aaron had assumed that since Spencer had never really had a serious relationship it would be up to Aaron to give Spencer the benefit of his experience, guide him and help him navigate the emotional landmines that come with love. He'd never anticipated that it would be Spencer leading, guiding and teaching _him._

"Daddy! Come sing with me an Spencer! We need a Theodore!" Jack's voice broke through Aaron's brooding. "I'm Alvin, an Spencer's Simon but we need Theodore. We need three." Jack pouted coming into Aaron's study and trying to pull his father up from behind his desk.

Aaron started to protest, to tell Jack that he needed to work and then he locked eyes with Spencer. "Funkytown is next." The younger man said hopefully. Aaron smiled at the two most important people in the world to him and stood up. "One Theodore reporting for duty." He said with a teasing smile. Taking in the twin looks of happiness and adoration that he got from Spencer and Jack a few minutes later as the three of them giggled and shimmied their way to Funkytown Aaron decided that whatever lessons Spencer had to teach him he was more than willing to learn.

* * *

* The Oak and The Reeds is one of my favorite fables. It's super short so here it is for those of you unfamiliar with the reference.

The Oak and the Reeds

A large Oak was uprooted one day by the violent winds of a hurricane. The great tree was thrown across a stream, where it lay amid some Reeds.

Sadly the Oak said, "Here I lie, overturned by the strong winds. Yet you Reeds, so light and weak, are still upright. How is that possible?"

"You, Sir Oak, fight against the mighty wind," the Reeds replied. "You are too proud to bend a little, and so in the end you are destroyed. But we bow before the gentlest breeze, and so we still stand. We have learned what you have not**: **_**it is far better to bend than to break.**_


	4. Gotta Go Gotta Leave

A/N: Just for the sake of clarity, I wanted to mention that while the fics all are tied together in that they all show "scenes" from Hotch and Reid's relationship, they aren't necessarily in chronological order or going to all be connected like Understanding and Complicated were. There will be time jumps and such, and things "out of sequence" so to speak. Does that make sense? I hope so…also I'm trying something new...no dialog in this piece. Not sure about how it turned out, but hope you guys like it.

Disclaimer: Still don't own Criminal Minds nor do I own the song used in the fic.

**Gotta Go, Gotta Leave**

Couldn't have given you more.  
I tried to love you like you loved me.  
Maybe for wrong reasons...maybe.  
At first it was beautiful.  
Everyone has a fairytale.  
But then you wake up and see  
it's not all it's cracked up to be.  
It turned into screaming days and solo nights.  
Just wasn't right  
I didn't really wanna see you,  
was happy when you were leaving yeah...  
I liked how it felt when I was by myself.  
And that's the way I wanna be,  
So please, don't beg and plead,  
Just let it be.  
Just let it be...  
I gotta go. I gotta leave.  
So please don't make it hard for me.  
I gave enough, I'm tired of love,  
I gotta let it go.  
~ Gotta Go, Gotta Leave Vivian Green

Done, the past participle of the word do. Done, an adjective meaning completed, finished, through, worn out, exhausted, and used up. Done, an idiom meaning to have done with, to break off relations or connections. At 11:23 on the day after his birthday, as he sat at his desk in the middle of the BAU bullpen and watched his lover leave for a lunch "_meeting_" with Jaqueline-their third of the week-Spencer realized he was done. He was done being shut out. He was done walking on eggshells. He was done being neglected. He was done being taken for granted. He was done saying I love you and being met with silence. He was done being punished because he was alive and Haley was dead. He was done being Aaron's doormat and he was done with Aaron.

They'd danced around each other for years but the relationship had begun shortly after he was infected with Anthrax. Spencer, finding himself restless and lonely had taken to spending several days a week with Aaron, and Aaron finding himself mourning his divorce and loathe to be alone but unwilling to admit it, had been grateful for the company. Over time the friendship had grown into a relationship and love had blossomed. Then George Foyet had struck, murdering Haley and leaving Aaron more wracked with guilt and pain than he'd ever thought possible.

Since Haley's death Aaron had pushed Spencer away. At first Spencer had been nothing but understanding. He hadn't wanted to intrude in the immediate aftermath of Haley's passing, respectful of Aaron's grief and his need to bond with and be there for Jack. He kept his distance, yet let the man he loved know he was always available to him. Aaron had eventually reached out to him but the dynamic was different. Aaron was colder, distant and sometimes cruel. It hurt, but Spencer did his best to understand, be there for Aaron as much he'd let him and push away his own doubts, fears and insecurities.

The relationship had become increasingly unhappy and Spencer had never felt more alone. The team had been little help; they were all so afraid for and focused on Aaron's pain that they had no energy left to worry about Spencer's. When Spencer had tried to reach out he'd been told in no uncertain terms that he simply had to find a way to deal because Aaron couldn't handle being left on top of everything else he'd been through and he was just grieving and he'd get through it and things would be fine. So Spencer had kept the faith in the relationship and stayed, despite the depression that was stealing his spirit and the constant emotional roller coaster Aaron took him on he'd stayed, telling himself that eventually the stranger with Aaron's face would go away and the man he loved would return.

It had all come to a head two months ago when Aaron, upset that Spencer was attempting to talk to him about what was going on, had thrown Spencer against a wall and nearly strangled him to unconsciousness. Spencer had spent the following week at JJ's fielding both Aaron's and the team's guilt ridden apologies. He had eventually agreed to go back to Aaron, provided he started attending some type of counseling. It was time for Aaron to take responsibility for his own actions and recovery, Spencer had tried to save drowning man and nearly been dragged under himself.

In retrospect, it had been Spencer's suggestion that Aaron might be more comfortable in a support group than with individual therapy (the ability to maintain his anonymity, the option to speak or just listen, the opportunity to see he wasn't alone) that had been the opening act in Spencer Reid's Epiphany. Aaron had gone and while there he'd met _her._ Jacqueline's fiancé had been murdered by her ex boyfriend and she and Aaron had instantly bonded over their mutual survivor's guilt. All too soon, brief chats after the meetings had turned into quick cups of coffee, cups of coffee into quiet midday phone calls, phone calls into lunch dates. Aaron was smiling again, he was opening up, he was coming back…but Spencer had begun to wonder just who Aaron was coming back to and why it didn't bother Spencer to think the answer might not be him.

Last night had been the second act. Penelope had thrown him a birthday party…that Aaron had refused to attend. Spencer had quietly asked Aaron to attend and found himself surprised that Aaron's refusal didn't sting…in fact he found he'd been relieved to have the evening to himself. He'd enjoyed himself, and spent the majority of the evening talking to Ethan, whose presence Penelope had arranged as a surprise, ignoring the furtive glances of the team and pretending he didn't notice when Rossi stepped out onto the balcony to place a panicked call to Aaron. At the end of the evening he and Ethan had agreed to meet for lunch the next day and Spencer had found himself looking forward to the other man's call, but not looking forward to going home. He'd spent the night on Penelope's couch, changing into his extra set of clothes from the go bag he kept in his car that morning for work.

The final act had taken place a few moments ago when Aaron had announced he was going to lunch-with Jaqueline and _without_ Spencer. Spencer had been surprised that the anger, jealousy, hurt, and betrayal…all the things he'd felt merely a few weeks ago where Jaqueline was concerned were nowhere to found.

Spencer was trying to figure out what exactly it meant that he wasn't bothered that his lover- _could he even be called his lover if they hadn't made love in months-_ was spending all his free time with a woman who bore a striking resemblance to Haley, when his cell phone rang and Ethan's number flashed across the screen. The last puzzle piece locked into place for Spencer when after a brief chat, he rose to get ready for his own lunch date-with Ethan- and realized he was humming. It had hit Spencer then-he was happier going to lunch with Ethan than he was going home to Aaron and that could only mean that Aaron wasn't the only one who'd emotionally checked out of their relationship-_he _had as well.

Spencer's revelation had come with a resolution: he was moving out immediately. It was past time for him to leave and he doubted that Aaron would care beyond the effect it might have on Jack. Spencer had winced when he thought of Jack; he hoped Aaron would permit him to stay close to the little boy. In any case Spencer knew he couldn't and wouldn't go on as he had been. He didn't know how to make Aaron happy and Aaron didn't seem to care if Spencer were happy. He may be the one moving out, but Aaron had moved on months ago…Spencer was merely catching up. He didn't feel guilty. He couldn't have given it more, he couldn't have fought harder or held on tighter, he'd done the best he could.

As he had stepped through the elevator doors, Spencer had known he was doing the right thing, he needed to leave while there was still something between them besides bitterness and regret. If he left now he and Aaron might be able to salvage their friendship. As he'd settled into the elevator and the doors slid closed, Spencer had been at peace with his decision. He had given enough, he was tired enough, and he was letting go. He was done.


	5. Smoking Cigarettes

A/N This is the companion piece to Gotta Go, Gotta Leave. It's Hotch's POV

Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds, the song referenced or lyrics contained in this fic.

**Smoking Cigarettes**

Late midnight hour  
I see the etch of your face  
And it makes it hard for me to breathe  
What can I do to change your decision  
Please work with me  
Sometimes my eyes won't close from weeping'  
And sometimes I can't wake up from sleeping'  
Cuz you keep calling' me, keep calling' me in my dreams  
I can't forget your ways  
I still remember our first kiss  
You got me nervous and trembling'  
Smoking cigarettes at night  
Wondering where you been  
Smoking cigarettes at night  
I can't cope with this  
Smoking cigarettes at night  
You're the one to help me quit  
Smoking cigarettes at night  
~ Smoking Cigarettes, Tweet

Aaron looked out into the bullpen for what had to be the fourth time in the last five minutes. Spencer was in the middle of trading barbs with Morgan and Prentiss, and the smile on his face was so beautiful it nearly broke Aaron. The longing, want and overwhelming desire he felt whenever he looked at Spencer had been his constant companion since Spencer had moved out three weeks ago, taking Aaron's heart with him.

Aaron had known he hadn't been fair to Spencer since Haley's death. He'd been so angry, so guilt ridden and so ashamed of his failure that he put all his energy into mourning Haley and raising Jack, what little he had left he gave to the job, which meant he had nothing left to give to Spencer. He'd known he was hurting Spencer, losing him, breaking him down bit by bit but he hadn't been able to bring himself to stop. Aaron had been in a black hole and he'd convinced himself he'd never escape it, he'd decided his penance for Haley's death would be for him to spend the rest of his life suffering. Jack was the only one he'd allowed to penetrate his fortress of self imposed solitude. If not for his son, Aaron had no doubt he wouldn't have made it through the darkest of his days.

Spencer had given it everything he had. He'd been patient. He'd been kind. He'd been gentle and understanding. He'd begged, he'd pleaded, and he'd fought. The harder Spencer had tried, the more resentful Aaron had become. Happiness was something he didn't deserve and he began to resent Spencer for trying to make him feel it. He began to resent Spencer for not allowing him to wallow, for trying to drag him out of the void, and when Jack cried because Spencer couldn't do the voices in his bedtime story like his mommy used to he resented for Spencer for being alive while Haley was dead. Aaron had allowed that resentment, anger, guilt and sorrow build to the point where he'd actually put his hands on Spencer.

That incident had been enough to send Spencer out the door and raise some level of awareness in Aaron. He'd agreed to attend counseling, mostly just to get Spencer to come back home. He hadn't been quite ready to let it all go, to put down his burden but he also hadn't been ready to lose Spencer. He'd known he had to at least show Spencer he was making the effort.

Spencer had suggested he attend a support group and Aaron had agreed after weighing his options. At least in a group he wouldn't be forced to talk, if he met with an individual counselor he'd no doubt be expected to open up. He'd attended a couple of times, mostly to keep Spencer off his back but then at his third meeting he'd met Jaqueline.

When he'd first laid eyes on her for a split second all he could see was Haley. Then she'd spoken…her syrup thick southern Mississippi accent sounded nothing like Haley. It was a big enough difference put Aaron at ease and the guilt she felt over her fiancé's death served as a tie to bind the two together. They'd begun hanging out after meetings, then going for cups of coffee then lunch dates. They had chatted several times throughout the day and Aaron felt himself slowly thawing out.

Spencer had at first tried to be encouraging of Aaron's new friendship, but eventually he'd voiced his feelings that he was being pushed out. Aaron's reaction had been nothing short of vicious. He'd called Spencer selfish, insecure, and childish. He'd mocked Spencer, accused him of trying to control him, exploited every weakness Spencer had ever trusted him enough to confess to having in order to shame him into silence. And then Aaron had continued on, ignoring Spencer and focusing on Jaqueline. It wasn't that he was falling for her, it was that she was the one person in his life that didn't know about George Foyet and could accept Aaron for who he was _now_ instead of waiting on who he'd been to come back.

He'd known he was being unfair but he couldn't reconcile who he was with who he'd been and Spencer's hopeful eyes, constantly searching for the man he'd fallen in love made him feel like a failure, while Jaqueline looked at him and simply saw Aaron. It had been so long since he'd simply been _**Aaron**_; he'd been Haley's husband, Jack's father, the team's leader, Spencer's lover, Foyet's victim…Aaron had been buried, lost under all of them and Jaqueline had been helping him find himself again.

Aaron wasn't stupid…he'd known that Jacqueline's interest in him was bordering on the edges of inappropriate. He'd been foolish enough, _arrogant _enough to believe he could keep her from stepping off that edge and keep Spencer from walking out the door. He'd been wrong on both counts.

It had come to a head three weeks ago. Aaron had skipped out on attending Spencer's birthday party in favor of staying home and surprisingly Spencer hadn't put up much of a fight to change his mind. Aaron had been in his study, doing paperwork when Dave called and demanded he "_get off his ass, get over to Penelope's, and claim his boyfriend because that lecherous jazz musician who washed out of the academy after one day is putting the moves on him-and Spencer doesn't seem to mind."_ Aaron had blown Dave off, but regretted it later when Spencer didn't come home.

Looking back Aaron still didn't understand how something so small could have been the vehicle for his breakthrough but as he'd climbed into bed that night –after a covert, late night call to Penelope to ensure that Spencer was crashing at her place and not hooking up with his "old friend"-he glanced over to Spencer's side of the bed and saw his glasses on the nightstand. Aaron didn't know then and doesn't know now why the sight of his lover's glasses had been his undoing. He broke…he cried for Haley, he cried for Jack, he cried for the broken promises and missed opportunities and he cried for every day since Haley's death that he'd spent punishing Spencer for daring to love him when he couldn't love himself.

When he'd finished he'd felt an odd sense of peace…something he hadn't felt since before Foyet crashed into his life. It hadn't magically cured him, but it had given him clarity. One thing Aaron knew was that he had to stop sending mixed signals to Jaqueline. He'd come to care for the young woman but there was nothing romantic about his feelings for her. He needed to make it clear to her that he was a friend, a source of support, but nothing more. He also needed to make sure that Spencer knew he was loved mind and body, heart and soul.

The following day had shown Aaron he had reached these realizations far too late. At his lunch with Jaqueline she had kissed him and informed him she'd gotten a room for the two of them at the hotel across the street. Aaron had let her down gently, but firmly, to which she'd responded by throwing her drink in his face. Aaron had then returned to office to be informed by Dave, in a tone that can only be defined as accusatory, that Spencer had gone to lunch with Ethan and asked Dave for the rest of the day off-which Dave had no choice but to agree to since Spencer had finished not only his files but two of Prentiss' as well.

Aaron had then taken the rest of the day off and gone home to wait for Spencer, who returned home that evening looking happier than he had in months. Aaron had wanted to tell the younger man about his breakthrough and recommit himself to their relationship but before he could say a word Spencer had told him he thought it best if they called it quits.

Aaron Hotchner, the king of control, had lost it in that moment. He'd yelled, he'd pleaded, he'd even played the Jack card but the Spencer that he'd always been able to bend to his will hadn't been the person standing before him and none of it had the desired effect.

"Spencer, I know I hurt you. But there are things I need to tell you and if you'd just listen-"Aaron had started.

Spencer had let one solitary tear slip down his face and then squared his shoulders. "Aaron, sometimes things can be salvaged and sometimes they can't. Sometimes things just…are out of your hands. I tried Aaron; I gave this everything I had. But I can't do this anymore. I don't deserve this and neither do you. So...go ahead and talk. You can say whatever like…as long as when you're done we say goodbye."

"You can't leave Spencer. What would we tell Jack?" Aaron tried again.

Spencer's gaze never wavered, in that moment Spencer Reid was NOT a blinker. "We'll tell him he's amazing, perfect and loved more than he knows. We'll tell him he's the best little boy in the world and he didn't do anything wrong. We'll tell him I won't ever stop loving him or leave him behind." Spencer had stopped then and looked at Aaron, "And if he's really angry, if he's really upset and he needs someone to blame we'll blame it on me. We'll say its my fault. If it comes down to it I'd rather he be angry with me than you."

Aaron hadn't known what to say to that, so he'd just nodded and left. He'd been devastated that he was being forced to give up Spencer when he'd just showed him just how much the younger man loved him and his son. He and Spencer had broken the news to Jack the next day and Spencer had moved out officially that weekend.

And here he was, three weeks later, pretending to be fine, sitting in his office with his life in shambles, stealing glances at the person with the power to put it all back together. He wanted to run down to bullpen, grab Spencer and kiss him breathless. He wanted to drag Spencer up to his office, strip him of every piece of fabric, and _take_ him. He wanted Spencer back…in his arms, his bed, his life because the man had never left his heart.

"A closed mouth never gets fed, Aaron." Rossi said, his voice in the doorway snapping Aaron from his thoughts. "You keep staring at Reid like that and he's gonna have one hell of a sexual harassment case against you."

Aaron gave Dave his best I'm the Unit Chief So Don't Fuck With Me glare. "Did you want something Dave?" Aaron ground out.

"Not nearly as badly as you do." Rossi countered, coming into Aaron's office, dropping a file on his desk and walking away.

Aaron picked up the file, and read the first few sentences a half dozen times before giving up and shoving it away from him. He stole another glance at Spencer then closed his eyes and sighed.

"He misses you too." JJ's soft voice sounded from the doorway and shook Aaron out of his thoughts. She made her way over to Hotch and sat on the corner of his desk. "He's hurt and he's bone tired Hotch, but he still loves you and its killing him not to be with you and Jack. If you want him back, you are going to have to do more than sit up here and brood." She added fiercely.

Hotch turned to look at Spencer again. "What makes you so sure he wants to come back?" Aaron asked quietly. He knew Spencer was once again staying with JJ and Will and if anyone knew his mindset she did.

"Because I know Spence," JJ answered, "Because he's spent every night this week telling stories that start with the words Aaron and Jack, because he changes into pajamas as soon as he gets home and won't go out no matter what kind of retribution Penelope threatens, because he isn't sleeping and he read Henry The Little Match Girl as a bedtime story last night. Because," JJ looked Aaron in the eyes, "when you aren't looking down there at him, he's looking up here at you." JJ turned and made her way to the door.

"Hotch." She said, pausing before she left, "he isn't going to come back to you. If you want him, you're going to have to go and get him." With that JJ exited, leaving Aaron alone with his thoughts.

_If you want him, you're going to have to go and get him_. JJ's words hit home. Aaron wanted. He wanted badly. And Aaron Hotchner was a man who got what he wanted. He took a deep breath, formulated a plan and got out his cell phone and sent a text. _Dinner tonight. 7 my place. Please._

It seemed like forever but eventually Aaron's phone beeped with the return message. _Ok_

For the first time in three weeks Aaron smiled.


	6. Since You Been Gone

A/N Sorry this update took so long...I have a crazy case of writers block right now.

**Since You Been Gone**

You can't expect for me  
To let it go that easily  
One day we're making plans  
And the next you say you leaving me  
Okay so I'm a jerk  
I know I made you hurt  
I know your friend was right  
I got what I deserved  
I know the last time  
You said it was the last time  
But baby all I need  
Is one more last time  
I'll make the best of it  
I'll stop all my bullsh*t  
And I'll become the man  
You always said you wanted  
Cause Since you've been Gone  
I just can't seem to get right  
And I miss you more than you'll ever know  
I just want a chance to talk to you  
Let you know that I've changed  
Since you been gone  
I stay awake all night  
This bed just ain't the same  
Without you here  
~ Since You Been Gone, Day 26

Aaron couldn't remember being this nervous even on his first date with Spencer. He'd almost cut himself shaving because he couldn't quite steady his hands, he'd changed the table setting three times, nearly dropped the $200 bottle of red he'd cajoled out of Dave for the occasion, and he'd changed clothes four times, cycling in and out of the bright blue dress shirt and black slacks combo that Spencer had once told him was one of his favorite outfits to see him in. Aaron eventually decided to wear it, even if it did seem a little obvious, concluding that he'd need every advantage he could get if he were going to convince Spencer to come home.

Aaron was nothing if not a man of action. As soon as Spencer had agreed to come over for dinner Aaron had, in a move that rose more eyebrows than Morgan revealing he'd gone undercover as an exotic dancer during his stint in the Chicago PD, given the team the rest of the day off and practically ran for the exit. Aaron had spent the rest of the afternoon getting things ready for the evening ahead: he'd called Jessica and arranged a last minute sleep over for Jack, called a maid's service and got an emergency appointment scheduled, called Dave and arranged to take advantage of his wine collection (for which he had to endure Dave's rather pointed _take what you need Aaron, but don't fuck this up again. I don't think I can talk Morgan out of kicking your ass a second time and I have it on pretty good authority that a certain academy drop out is moving to greater DC area.) _and called Spencer's favorite restaurant and arranged for Spencer's favorite meal to be prepared and delivered. He then did a couple of things that were equal parts hopeful and presumptuous, including putting Spencer's favorite deep purple sheets on the bed.

It was ironic how, now that Spencer was gone, Aaron found himself craving him: his touch, his smell, the feel of him stretched out around him as he slowly sank inside, the sounds he made as Aaron drove them both over the edge. He'd had Spencer in his home and in his bed and had virtually ignored him for months, but for the past three weeks Aaron's body had been more on edge than a horny teenager's. Everyday he saw Spencer at work it was a struggle not to touch, to take, to claim what he still thought of as his. He was thankful that Spencer was staying with JJ, she had not so discretely let him know that Spencer hadn't taken Morgan's advice that "the best way to get over somebody is to to get under somebody else." The thought of Spencer with someone else searing pain through Aaron. He didn't know what he'd do if Spencer had found someone else. He missed the sound of Spencer's voice, he missed him and Jack turning the kitchen into a makeshift science lab, he missed Spencer explaining string theory to him when he was trying to watch Dr. Who. He missed his smile and his laughter and the way he would bite his lip right before confessing that he'd done something Aaron was not going to like (such as visiting Nathan Harris). He just missed Spencer. As he fingered the sheets, appreciating the softness of the ridiculously high thread count Spencer insisted he required, Aaron remembered the last time they'd been together, _really _together in the bed, and the things they'd done on those sheets.

_The team had just gotten back from working a week long case when Aaron had been forced to go out of town with Dave to speak at seminar addressing the role of profiling in hostage negotiations. They had opted (well Aaron had insisted and Dave grudgingly agreed) to drive back as soon as the seminar officially ended so it had been approaching two in the morning when he'd finally arrived home. When he'd made it inside he'd been careful not to wake Jack as he'd checked in on him. Satisfied that his son had been sleeping peacefully Aaron made his way down the hall to the bedroom he shared with his lover._

_Even though he'd never admit such a thing, Aaron was secretly grateful that Spencer insisted on sleeping with some light in the room. Aaron often thought one of the times Spencer was at his most beautiful was when he was sleeping peacefully; the interplay of the shadows and lights dancing across his pale skin never failed to take Aaron's breath away. It seemed to make Spencer's almost delicate beauty that much more pronounced. _

_Spencer was all man, but there was no denying that beautiful was really the only word to describe him. Rossi had once remarked that it was a crime that Spencer dressed the way he did, "it's like putting a Bellini in a god damn popsicle stick frame" he'd groused. Aaron had merely laughed, but there was no question that Spencer was indeed a work of art: his hair was an avalanche of chestnut colored silk, softly curling around the nape of his neck and along his jaw line. His eyes were large hazel orbs, flecked with shades of green, gold, and honey framed by incredibly long lashes. He had a lush, full mouth and Aaron loved the sensuous pout of his lips, his straight, even teeth and the chiseled, angular curve of his jaw. Spencer's skin was smooth, beautifully pale and impossibly soft. His limbs were long and he was slender, but not without definition, the muscles in his abs, biceps, quads and calves were all lean, toned, and strong. His fingers were long and slender, making his hands appear elegant, like that of an artist or piano player._

_As he stood in the doorway and admired his lover, Aaron was once again hit with the tidal wave of emotion that crashed through him when he saw Spencer in their bed, in their home: Love, lust, gratitude and a tiny bit of awe that he loved and was loved by such an exceptional young man._

_Aaron slipped out of his jacket and tie, toed off his shoes and socks and silently undressed eyes never leaving Spencer's form, the urgency in his body reminding him that it had been ten long nights since he'd last claimed his lover. He stopped by the nightstand long enough to open the drawer and retrieve the lube, then eased the covers back and slid into bed beside Spencer. _

_At the touch of his hand reaching out across his hips and drawing him close Spencer had let out a happy little sigh and snuggled back against Aaron. Once again, Aaron was struck by the differences between him and his lover. Had he it been Spencer sneaking into their home, into their bed in the middle of the night, Aaron had no doubts he would have been going for his gun. Spencer though, hadn't even cracked open an eyelid, as if the thought that someone could invade the sanctuary they'd created never crossed his mind. Aaron hoped it never would, that Spencer could maintain his faith and his innocent belief that their home was a refuge from the horrors they saw every day._

_Aaron ran his hands up under Spencer's pajama top, fingers lightly tracing patterns on the smooth skin, as he nuzzled his neck._

"_I missed you." Aaron breathed into Spencer's hair, nimble fingers making quick work of the buttons on Spencer's shirt, parting it to explore the soft skin of Spencer's chest, tweaking a nipple._

"_Missed you more." Spencer replied sleepily. "Aaron, what are you doing? We have to be up in a few hours." He protested weakly._

"_I'm up right now." Aaron returned, voice thick with arousal, nibbling a trail along Spencer's jaw, biting down on the spot behind his ear, licking away the hurt, smirking a bit at Spencer's shudder of pleasure. "And I have it on good authority that the boss is giving us the morning off tomorrow. He likes the way you look when you've been well fucked." He let his hand travel down Spencer's body and then dip inside the waistband to his pajama bottoms. Aaron gave a light, lazy stroke to Spencer's shaft then made quick work of stripping him. _

"_Does he now? I'd have to ask Morgan but I'm pretty sure this is some form of sexual harassment. I may have to start carrying a rape whistle." Spencer retorted, letting out an amused, sleepy laugh. He turned over onto his back and let his hands roam over Aaron's chest and down his stomach, finally coming to rest around his erection. He licked Aaron's collarbone and sucked on the skin at his neck._

"_You know what they say about rape and the willing." Aaron responded, brushing Spencer's hair off his forehead. "I want you." Aaron muttered, thrusting slightly into Spencer's fist, eyes falling shut as he felt Spencer hot, wet mouth against the hollow of his throat._

_Spencer chuckled and nibbled on Aaron's lower lip. "You've got me. Now what are you planning to do with me?"_

_Images flashed through Aaron's mind as he shifted to settle over his lithe lover, enjoying the brushing of their cocks against one another, gliding his hands up Spencer's sides, up into the tangle of curls and fisting the silken strands. "Everything." He whispered before seizing Spencer's mouth in a kiss that sizzled and scorched with slow, patient, sensuality._

_Aaron used his grip on Spencer's hair to control their kiss. He expertly, teasingly, moved his lips against Spencer's coaxing his mouth open, exploring its velvet heat with his stroking tongue. Their tongues danced, slipping and sliding across one another as they kissed, passion growing between them until Spencer was moaning into Aaron's mouth and Aaron was using one hand to flick the cap of the lube open._

"_Oh God, Aaron, oh mmm." Spencer moaned and threw his head back when Aaron eased a well lubed finger into the center of his heat._

"_And here I thought you didn't believe." Aaron gently teased, biting down on Spencer's ear lobe and adding a second finger._

"_I oh, I never said I didn't believe. The absence of definitive proof that something does exist isn't in and of itself definitive proof that it does not exist. I just find it more likely than not that-oh FUCK" Spencer's body arched off the bed when Aaron added a third finger and found that special bundle of nerves that sent pleasure rushing through Spencer's veins. "Oh Aaron, oh please, please oh please don't stop, please don't stop." Spencer completely lost his train of thought and was unable to focus on anything else except his lover and the delicious things he was doing to his body._

"_I wasn't planning on stopping anytime soon, but if you want to finish you lecture I suppose I'm going to have to." Aaron teased. He loved Spencer's mind as much as he loved his body, but he took a certain satisfaction in knowing that he could make Dr. Dr. Dr. Spencer Reid's brain short circuit and reduce his genius to a barely coherent string of desperate begging. _

"_Don't tease me Aaron." Spencer pleaded, riding his lover's fingers almost frantic in his need. "Please Aaron, please," He waited a beat then looked him the eyes,"take me." He whispered._

_Aaron groaned. Spencer knew exactly what he was doing by telling Aaron to "take him." "God Spencer, you aren't playing fair." He said while slicking his length._

"_You started it." Spencer saucily returned._

"_That I did. And I fully intend to finish it." Aaron growled. He positioned himself at Spencer's entrance and kissed him while sliding inside in one smooth stroke. He broke the kiss and whispered into Spencer's ear how much he'd missed making love to him the last few days, how good he felt and how perfect they were together._

"_I love you Aaron." Spencer breathed, writhing against him, legs hooked around Aaron's waist, dragging his nails down his back, moving his body in time with Aaron's._

"_I love you too. So much. I can't get enough of you. You were made for me, for this." Aaron ground out as he thrust inside Spencer. "You belong to me." He whispered, kissing Spencer softly. "I am never gonna let you go." He murmured into Spencer's hair as leaned over him, moving in and out of his body, taking and giving pleasure._

_They rocked back and forth together, Spencer begging and pleading while Aaron moaned above him. Sweat glistened off their bodies and their breath came in short, harsh pants as they drove toward release. Spencer's orgasm caught him unaware, he cried out and bucked and trembled beneath his lover, hands desperately reaching for purchase, one fisting the sheets, the other grabbing the short tufts of Aaron's hair. Watching his lover come undone underneath and feeling his walls clench around him pushed Aaron over the edge. He plunged into Spencer's body one more time and let go, shooting his seed deep inside, marking him as his own._

_Later, as they lay tangled up in each other and drifted off to sleep Aaron couldn't remember a time when he'd felt more contented, loved and at peace. He'd vowed to never take Spencer or their life together for granted._

"Well that was one promise I didn't keep." Aaron said ruefully, turning to leave the bedroom. He briefly wondered if he shouldn't call Spencer and cancel, perhaps let the young man have the freedom to find someone who would appreciate him properly, but as he passed on of the many photographs of Jack, himself and Spencer he had on display throughout the house, he shook off the thought. He loved Spencer, he wanted to be with him and he hoped to God Spencer felt the same way. And Jack…Jack had already lost one parent because of Aaron, it wasn't fair for him to lose another. Sure, Spencer had called every night to tell Jack goodnight and seen him on several afternoons and spent every Friday night with Jack since their break up but it wasn't the same. Aaron's heart clenched when he thought about the look on both Spencer and Jack's faces when they had to say goodbye when those visits were over. It was a look he never wanted to see on either of them again. For himself, for his _family_ he couldn't allow his insecurities to get in the way again. He had to get his focus back on the task at hand, which was convincing Spencer to give him another chance. He couldn't afford to let his guilt take over and lead him back down the path of self recrimination and regret.

The bottom line was whether he deserved him or not, Aaron loved Spencer and if the last three weeks were any indication his life without Spencer in it was absolutely unbearable. He wanted his life back, everything Foyet had taken from him and everything he'd been foolish enough to throw away all on his own and Aaron Hotchner was a man who got what he wanted. He was willing to do whatever he had to in order to get Spencer back, even though he knew he should just respect whatever choice Spencer made, he knew he'd be trying to talk Spencer into reconciliation. He wanted to be better than that, be the honorable man that Spencer always accused him of being, but the truth was Aaron had a dark side and a ruthless streak and when it came to the things he loved, truly loved, he tended to straddle the line between protection and possession. He wasn't good at letting go, the only exception had been Haley and that was only because she'd forced his hand by making him choose between who he was at his core and who she wanted him to be. Spencer wasn't Haley and Aaron wasn't going to let love walk away from him twice. He was going to fight for Spencer, and fight dirty if he had to.

The doorbell chimed, dragging Aaron out of his head and down the hall. He paid the delivery man for the food and quickly went to transfer everything out of the take out containers and onto the dinner dishes. A quick check of his watch told him that even though he technically had fifteen minutes left, Spencer would be arriving at any moment. At work Spencer was usually the picture of punctuality…in his personal life Spencer was perpetually late. The only exception was if he were anxious about something, then he tended to arrive early…Aaron had no doubt that Spencer had probably circled the block at least twice by now, trying to decide how early he could arrive without seeming rude.

Aaron had just finished getting everything ready when the doorbell rang again. He checked his watch and a small smile tugged at his lips when he realized only three minutes had gone by. He scanned the house again to make sure everything was in place and then made his way down the hall, hoping he looked calmer than he felt and that this would be the last time the man on the other side of door would ever have to ring the bell. He took a moment, steadied his nerves, put his game face on and turned the knob.

"Spencer I…you look…your hair!" Aaron stared for a moment then regrouped, " I mean, uh thank you for coming, you have no idea how much I appreciate it. Come on in; let me take your coat." He said stepping back and making room for Spencer to come in and hopefully, come home.


	7. Back To You

Back To You

Back to you  
It always comes around  
Back to you  
I tried to forget you  
I tried to stay away  
But it's too late

Over you  
I'm never over  
Over you  
There's something about you  
It's just the way you move  
The way you move me

Yeah, I'm so good at forgetting  
And I quit every game I play  
But forgive me, love  
I can't turn and walk away

Back to you  
It always comes around  
Back to you  
I walk with your shadow  
I'm sleeping in my bed  
With your silhouette  
~Back To You, John Mayer

"Emily…I'm not sure about this." Spencer's eyes darted around the salon and he fidgeted in the chair, fighting down the urge to bolt.

"Stop squirming kid, it's a haircut not a vasectomy." Morgan joked. Spencer glowered at him and Morgan smirked at him.

"Even if you're not sure, we're here now and I am." Emily declared with a grin. "You need a new look Reid, it's in the handbook."

"Handbook?" Spencer repeated blankly.

"Mmm hmm. The "Top Ten Things to Do After A Break Up" handbook. A makeover is a mandatory step. It's somewhere between ice cream with your bff and hooking up with someone new for some no strings attached-"

"Emily!" Spencer cut her off quickly. "First, I'm not a girl –"

"No, but you're so pretty if I had enough drinks in me I might half way date you myself." Morgan chimed in.

Spencer fixed his best death glare at Morgan and then turned to Emily. "I don't see how new clothes and new hair are going to make a difference. Aaron invited me over this morning when my hair was still long and I was wearing-"

"Reid, just go with it man." Morgan interrupted. "You know Prentiss and I got your back. We wouldn't do this is if it wasn't necessary. We're just giving Hotch a little incentive to get his head on straight…and if you choose to not go back to what you two had, consider this a clean break, fresh start of sorts."

"But those clothes...in addition to being ridiculously expensive they aren't my usual attire and I'm not sure that-"

"Reid, when David Rossi hands over his platinum card and tells you to buy couture, you buy couture. Besides man, you clean up good. That sales guy was all over you when you came out of the dressing room." Morgan interrupted.

"And so was the girl at the register. Could she be any more obvious? She wrote her number on the bottom of the receipt, Reid." Prentiss added.

"She said that was in case there was a problem and I wanted to return them…oh" Spencer's eyes widened with understanding. "But I didn't even try-"

"Exactly the point. You got some new gear and all the sudden you gotta beat 'em off you with a stick. Hotch won't know what hit him." Morgan said.

Just then, the stylist, a tall, slender woman in her mid forties made her way over to them. Her appearance almost made Spencer bolt from the chair. She had platinum blonde, almost white hair, with several colorful neon streaks in it. She was wearing zebra print leggings, a denim skirt and a black mesh top. _She makes Garcia look conservative_, Spencer thought to himself. The woman made her way over to the trio and looked Spencer up and down. "I'm Roxanne and you must be Spencer. Em's told me quite a bit about you. So, did you have anything in particular in mind?"

Spencer tapped down his fear and reminded himself this woman had done both Emily and JJ's hair and it looked decidedly nice. Emily had talked Roxanne into squeezing Spencer in at the last minute and he didn't Spencer didn't want to seem ungrateful. Plus, despite his protests, the prospect of a makeover had been intriguing and truth be told, he _had_ liked the attention he'd received once he got into some more…mainstream clothing. He also liked the idea; no matter how passive aggressive it may be, of showing Aaron exactly what he was missing.

"I ah…I'm not quite sure." Spencer replied sheepishly.

"Roxy, I was thinking something like this." Emily broke in, showing the woman a picture in a magazine.

"Well…" The woman ran her hands through Spencer's hair a few times. "This one's got a natural curl to his hair so it's not gonna straighten out like that without a flat iron and some product-"

"NO!" Morgan broke in suddenly, remembering the gelled down mess Reid's hair had been when he'd first joined the BAU. Three sets of curious eyes turned to him and he ducked his head. "Can ah, can you work with what the kid's got so that product can be kept to a minimum?" He asked, somewhat chagrined at his initial reaction.

Roxy smiled. "I believe that can be arranged hon."

* * *

Three hours later found Spencer in his apartment, in front of his full length mirror, resisting the urge to take off his new clothes, call Aaron and cancel.

It wasn't exactly the new look…although he did wonder how Aaron would react to it. Spencer was wearing a pair of dark rinsed, straight cut jeans that had cost more than he's spent on groceries this week. He'd paired it with a plain, long sleeved t-shirt and a cream colored sport coat, and then rolled the sleeves up so they were three quarter length. Instead of his trademark purple scarf, he was wearing one that matched the cream of his sport coat and had various lines of soft brown and grey running through it. In place of his usual converse, he'd let Morgan talk him into a pair of A. Testoni washed leather lace ups, the price of which he was sure would make Rossi regret lending them his credit card, because Morgan had sworn if he didn't get out of his usual "Buster Browns" he would hurt him. Spencer had to admit, the outfit, complete with a new pair of stylish glasses gave him a boost of confidence.

The haircut however gave him a bit of pause. It was shorter than usual, but left longer in the front so that he had bangs and gently tousled to highlight the natural curly texture of his hair. It was an altogether different look than any he'd had before and he wasn't quite sure if something so…current suited him. Emily and Morgan had been sure, and so had Roxy and he had to admit he'd gotten several appreciative glances on his way out of the salon. But he couldn't help wondering how Aaron would react…he'd always had a bit of an affinity for Spencer's long hair. In truth, Aaron's tendency to absently stroke the silken strands or thread his fingers through it and use it to dominate and control their kisses had been a big part of the reason Spencer had let it get so long. What if Aaron didn't like it?

Spencer frowned. He really shouldn't care whether or not Aaron liked his new look. They were broken up-Spencer's choice. They had been three weeks and while he was lonely and hurting and missed Aaron and Jack, Spencer also was relieved. He didn't feel the almost unbearable tension that had filled the last few months of his relationship with Aaron and despite the sadness, the black cloud of depression he'd been living under had started to lift as well. JJ and Will had been incredibly kind by opening up their home to him. Being there was a bit of a double edged sword because while being around them and Henry provided Spencer with a support system, it also reminded him of the family that he, Aaron and Jack had been.

A small smile broke free at the thought of Jack. Spencer loved him more than he'd ever thought possible. He'd nearly broken down in tears when, as he dropped him back home from their Friday night sleepover, Jack had turned his honey colored gaze on Spencer and asked in a small, uncertain voice if he was still allowed to call him "Papa." Spencer had crushed Jack to him and told him of course it was ok, that he would always be his papa and that he would never stop loving him no matter where he lived. The way Spencer had felt in that moment provided Spencer with two epiphanies: One, no matter what happened with Aaron he'd NEVER walk away from Jack and two he would never be able to understand or forgive his father's walking away from him.

Spencer sat on the edge of his bed and thought about what the evening in front of him would hold. He wasn't entirely sure what Aaron wanted but he couldn't help but hope that he wanted to try to work things out. Even though at the time Aaron had tried to keep him from moving out, Spencer hadn't been entirely sure Aaron had been sincere in his claims that he'd, for lack of a better phrase, seen the light. Just the night before Aaron had begged off on attending Spencer's birthday party and that very day he'd had yet another lunch with Jaqueline. Aaron hadn't been concerned about Spencer, how he'd been feeling, what he'd been thinking or what he had needed for months prior to their break up. Spencer might as well have been sleeping next to a block of ice for all the affection Aaron had shown him. He felt a flicker of anger come up when he thought about the nights he spent alone, the times he's reached out and been shut down, the times he'd been blatantly manipulated. Aaron had treated him terribly and taken advantage of him...Spencer had reached his breaking point. He'd _needed_ to leave.

But…he still loved Aaron. Despite all the unhappiness, despite all the anger, the pain, and the disappointment at the end of the day the simple fact was Spencer still loved Aaron and missed him terribly. Was that enough? It hadn't been before, but before Spencer had been the only one fighting for them, now Aaron claimed he was ready to fight for them as well. Would that make a difference? Would it confuse Jack if Spencer and Aaron reconciled? Was Aaron serious or just saying what he thought Spencer wanted to hear? Spencer had a million questions rattling around in his brain, but no answers.

Spencer groaned and flopped down on the bed. Why was this so hard? He had three doctorates, he had an IQ of 187, he was a genius…he could profile a disorganized psychopath in his sleep...why couldn't he figure out what he should do about Hotch? His head was telling him the safest course was to not reconcile. They could salvage their friendship, they'd both move on, Jack wouldn't be confused and would eventually understand that Spencer's absence from his home didn't mean he would be absent from his life and he would avoid opening himself up to more pain. He'd barely managed to duct tape himself together and walk away this time and he wasn't sure if he could do it again if things went poorly again. He also wasn't sure if he could ever forgive himself if he walked away from Aaron if there was a chance, no matter how small, that they could work things out.

Spencer realized going around in circles in his own head wasn't going to get him the answers he needed. Even though he had sat down with John after the last Beltway Clean Cops meeting and had long talk about everything he'd been feeling and going through the past few weeks, he knew the person he really needed to talk to was Aaron. Whether they got back together or parted as friends, they needed to sit down with one another and lay all their cards on the table.

Spencer got up and grabbed his car keys. He knew he was early but he couldn't sit still any longer. As he drove Spencer promised himself that no matter what Aaron had to say he wouldn't let himself be talked into anything that he didn't truly want and he wouldn't let his heart be treated like a revolving door that Aaron could walk in and out of at his leisure. Spencer was done accepting whatever scraps of affection Aaron decided to toss his way and he was done taking less than he deserved. He may have his insecurities and his issues, but Spencer knew he had worth and he knew that he couldn't be with someone who didn't value him. It would break him and after everything that he had survived, everything that he had endured, Spencer would not allow himself to be broken.

Spencer circled the block a couple of times so he wouldn't be obscenely early, then pulled his car into the driveway and got out. He walked up the achingly familiar walk, took a couple of deep breaths and rang the bell.


	8. Hate That I Love You

A/N: This chapter veered spectacularly away from where I was headed originally but I actually like how it turned out. I hope you guys do too. This one's a bit different as it contained both their POV's but its slightly more (I think) Hotch-centric.

Disclaimer: Still don't own Criminal Minds *kicks rocks* or the song contained w/in the fic.

**Hate That I Love You **

That's how much I love you  
That's how much I need you  
And I can't stand you  
Must everything you do make me wanna smile  
Can I not like you for awhile? (No...)

But you won't let me  
You upset me  
And then you kiss my lips  
All of a sudden I forget (that I was upset)  
Can't remember what you did

But I hate it...  
You know exactly what to do  
So that I can't stay mad at you  
For too long that's wrong

But I hate it...  
You know exactly how to touch  
So that I don't want to fuss and fight no more  
Said I despise that I adore you

And I hate how much I love you boy (yeah...)  
I can't stand how much I need you (I need you...)  
And I hate how much I love you boy (oh whoa..)  
But I just can't let you go  
And I hate that I love you so (oh..)  
~Hate That I Love You, Rihanna & Ne-Yo

"Emily did it! Well, she didn't cut it but Emily and Morgan kind of did…this." Spencer explained in a slightly panicked voice when Aaron kept looking at him like he'd grown two heads.

Aaron had known he was staring but he couldn't stop. He honestly hadn't given much thought to what Spencer would be wearing when he came over. Spencer was not exactly a fashion plate and while he'd certainly gotten more polished over the years that Aaron had known him, he was still far more likely to be the "before" picture in the makeover gallery. The man standing across from him was most definitely an "after" if Aaron ever saw one. Spencer's chestnut locks had been cut short, his natural curl providing a slight wave and subtle honey highlights making the strands look like shimmering silk. His clothing looked like he'd been styled for a photo shoot for some fashion conscious men's magazine, the creams, whites, greys and soft browns of his shirt, scarf and sport coat contrasting beautifully with his pale beauty and the jeans (since when did Spencer wear jeans?) did amazing things to his ass. He'd even traded in his traditional Converse for a pair of more formal designer washed leather lace ups that Aaron absolutely did not covet. Not even a little. Okay maybe a little. Spencer looked like he belonged on a billboard, or strutting down some runway, not standing across from Aaron in his foyer.

Finally, he spoke. "You look…different. It's good." Spencer's eyebrows shot up and Aaron hurried on,"Not good that you look different, just that different looks good on you, not that you needed to look different or anything." Aaron hastily explained. _That was eloquent Aaron,_ he mentally chided himself.

Spencer gave a small smile. "I thought rambling was my forte." He joked. _Oh...oh no he's in the blue shirt and those slacks…the ones that cling to his ass and make me want…no do not go there. But he's in that shirt…That shirt, with his dark hair and eyes…he looks amazing, Spencer thought. _"You look," _sexy, sinful, fuckable_, "good too. I ah, I didn't know what we'd be having and I would have brought wine but I never pick the right ones and I figured you'd liberate a bottle from Dave anyway so I brought cheesecake. Did you know that the earliest known mention of cheesecake is by the Greek physician Aegimus? He wrote a book on the subject. And Cato the Elder, a roman statesmen, gave two recipes in De Agri Cultura and-" Spencer suddenly stopped at Aaron's gently raised eyebrow. "I ah, I guess I still have the market cornered when it comes to rambling." Spencer finished sheepishly.

"Does the cheesecake have strawberries?" Aaron asked teasingly.

"On half." Spencer had grudgingly admitted. "The other half is plain." He smiled.

Spencer's impromptu dissertation on cheesecake had actually helped settle Aaron. He may have _looked _different, but this was still _his S_pencer, and his Spencer had brought Aaron's favorite dessert. A covert look at the box confirmed it was from Aaron's favorite bakery. And that meant that Spencer had made a special effort, since the bakery was 45 minutes from JJ's house, and if Spencer were going out of his way…that meant Aaron had more of an opening than he'd originally counted on. Aaron gave himself a mental shake and reminded himself that he was a man on a mission and that mission was to get Spencer back in his life. "That was thoughtful of you. Dinner is from Sorelli's. If you're hungry we can go ahead and sit…?" He suggested silkily.

Spencer's jaw had dropped. Sorelli's was his favorite restaurant but they had a steadfast policy of no delivery, no carry out. "I…how on earth did you talk them into delivering? "

Aaron turned to Spencer with a smirk, taking care to let his eyes sweep across the younger man's form from top to bottom, finally stopping to level a heated gaze straight into his eyes. "Spencer," he said in a low, slightly suggestive tone, "you of all people should know that when there's something that I want I can be incredibly persuasive and rarely take no for an answer." Aaron stepped purposely into Spencer's personal space to take the box of cheesecake from his hands, intentionally letting their fingers brush. He gave an internal huff of triumph when he heard Spencer's breath hitch and saw a faint blush stain his cheeks.

Spencer caught the implication in Aaron's words and his eyes widened slightly. _This was a trap, and I walked into it. I opened the gates and let in the Trojan horse. I moved my knight to a5 and fell for the Bobby Fisher. I'm Polyphemus and I just drank the wine, _Spencer thought to himself in a panic. He realized too late that he should have insisted they meet at a restaurant. They could have been on neutral ground with nary an available flat surface in sight, but no, instead he'd walked into the belly of the beast, armed with nothing more than cheesecake.

"Spencer." Aaron's dulcet tone pulled him from his thoughts. Aaron again let his eyes rove over Spencer's body and then dropped his voice a couple of octaves before saying, "_Come Spencer_…dinner's getting cold." The corner of Aaron's mouth quirked up ever so slightly as he turned and led Spencer into the kitchen.

"_Come Spencer." _At the wordsSpencer gave an involuntary shudder. There was no way Aaron didn't know what he was doing to Spencer. That exact phrase, said in that tone…it was deliberate. Everything Aaron was doing was deliberate: wearing that damn blue shirt, showing how he could take charge by having dinner delivered by a restaurant that didn't normally do so, leading Spencer into the more intimate setting of the kitchen as opposed to the formal dining room. Spencer didn't know if he were flattered or offended that Aaron had planned not only reconciliation, but seduction as well. _If he thinks I'm just going to fall back into his arms or into his bed he's sorely mistaken, _Spencer thought to himself. _No matter how good those pants make his ass look._

As he waited for Spencer to follow him into the kitchen, Aaron mentally went over his checklist for the evening. He knew where all of Spencer's buttons were and he had every intention of pushing them.

Aaron's plans were completely derailed once Spencer stepped into the kitchen and froze. "Aaron?" He said slowly, "Exactly _what _is that…um…_that_ on the counter?" Spencer couldn't tear his eyes away from a mass of paper-mache that had been haphazardly painted brown and formed to loosely resemble a volcano; or would have resembled a volcano if it were extremely dark in the room and the person looking were suffering from significant visual impairment.

Aaron frowned internally as Spencer went over to poke it. "It's Jack's volcano. He's supposed to make one for school. Since science was never my forte I told him we'd give it a couple of practice runs before he turns one in. This is the best one yet, Jack wasn't all that happy with the result but at least this one kind of looks like a volcano." He explained.

"You know they sell kits that you could have bought." Spencer said slowly, poking it again.

Aaron narrowed his eyes. Aaron Hotchner was a do it yourself kind of guy. He had fended off power mad bureaucrats and serial killers alike, he'd had no intention of folding to a simple child's experiment. "I am aware yes, but Jack and I made a perfectly acceptable model all by ourselves."

Spencer turned suspicious eyes on Aaron. "How much of this did Jack actually do?"

Aaron flushed slightly. "Well…he did his own research and wrote his own presentation but after the third one wouldn't erupt he kind of lost interest in the construction so that one there was all me. I think he'll at least get a passing grade."

Spencer's head whipped around, his expression horrified. "He can't turn that in!" Spencer gasped out, looking as if Aaron had suggested their son go bathe in uranium.

Aaron crossed his arms over his chest. "And pray tell why not?" He asked stiffly.

Spencer shot Aaron a look of incredulity. "Are you _insane_? The color composition is all wrong and the shape is more that of a plateau than a volcano and…what _is _that around the base? What are you using to simulate the eruption?"

Aaron went to stand by Spencer. "Baking soda and vinegar and the stuff around the base is leftover grass from when we made Jack's Easter basket."

Spencer bit his lip. He knew that Aaron had to have tried his best, but the idea of Jack turning in such a sad looking science experiment had him in a near panic. "I ah…it's...um-"

"It's God awful Spencer." Aaron grudgingly admitted. "I was never good at the hands on aspect of science…research and recitation were more my forte."

"I'm sure you did your best." Spencer said in a rush, trying not to hurt Aaron's feelings. "Jack uh…when does he need it by?"

"Monday." Aaron answered warily, knowing where this was headed.

Spencer went into panic mode. "It's Friday night! Why didn't you call me and ask for…it doesn't matter, I'm here now. Monday… ok, ok I have time to fix this," Spencer stripped off his sport jacket and pushed up his sleeves. "He's too young to try an ammonium dichromate model, I doubt his teacher would permit a trashcano and an air pressure volcano model might not be literal enough, so we'll just go with clay. A stratovolcano would probably be simplest," Spencer turned briefly to look at Aaron. "I'll see if any of the landscape models can be salvaged. You, you get in the car and go to the Supercentre. I'll need some clay, rough felt, paint, food coloring if we're, uh, you're out…"

As Spencer rattled off his list Aaron couldn't help but wonder how he'd let the evening veer so far off the course he'd meticulously planned. "Spencer, you can't do Jack's homework for him." Aaron tried, hoping to redirect Spencer's attention back to why he'd come over in the first place.

Spencer raised an eyebrow. "You did." The _and look at how it turned out _remained unspoken but was in Spencer's eyes clear as day. Aaron sighed and got his car keys. "Dinner-"

"Throw it in the microwave on your way out. Good grief Aaron! You _duct taped_ the landscape?" Spencer's voice held disbelief and amusement in equal measure.

"It worked." Aaron said simply on his way out the door.

"Oh and Aaron?" Spencer's voice was dangerously neutral.

"Yes?"

"Pick up Jack from Jessica's. You're right; I shouldn't do his homework for him." Spencer said gleefully, knowing full well what Aaron had planned for the evening and that Jack's presence would definitely throw a wrinkle in them. He also knew that tossing Aaron's own words back at him would effectively silence any protest the older man could have made.

Aaron stilled. He had hoped to have Spencer to himself for the evening because well…he'd hoped to _have_ Spencer. He locked eyes with Spencer and saw the younger man smirking at him. He smiled despite himself and nodded. "Of course. He'll be delighted to see you."

"Oh and get Mentos and a two liter of Diet Coke." Spencer threw in.

Aaron stopped. "Why?" He asked slowly.

"Because Jack will want to see something explode and we don't want to ruin his class project." Spencer reasoned.

"Spencer, you do realize this is going to take you all night?" Aaron said carefully.

Spencer paused, and then looked up. "I drove here so it's fine." A look of concern passed over his features, "I don't want to disturb Will and JJ though if we finish up too late…if ah, if this runs into the wee hours could I um, use the guestroom?"

"Of course." Aaron made sure to keep his voice neutral. The guestroom _was_ just down the hall…

"But it shouldn't take that long. Not for the actual construction…so I shouldn't need to stay over."

Aaron sighed internally. "I'm sure you'll be finished at a decent hour." _Not if I can help it._

Aaron could have sworn he saw Spencer crack a smile before turning his attention back to the volcano. Clearly Spencer had deduced Aaron's intentions for the evening and was throwing up roadblocks. He realized Spencer wasn't going to make things easy on him and if he wanted him back he was in for a battle of wills. Aaron squared his shoulders and quickly reformulated his plans. If this going to be war, then he was going to make damn sure that Spencer went down as the spoils.

* * *

Two hours later found Aaron in the kitchen, situated at the counter, eating pizza (because as Spencer explained it they couldn't very well eat steaks while constructing a volcano ) while Jack happily let Spencer show him how to run a cheese knife over the rough felt to create bushes and add texture to the terrain. Aaron had been placed in charge of "research", which consisted of pulling up pictures on the laptop and videos to show Jack what the volcano would do and the different types they could have made but was really just a way for Spencer to make sure Aaron didn't touch anything.

Over the last two hours Aaron had managed to spill all the vinegar and knock over the baking soda prompting another trip to the store, "misplace" the paints which took 20 minutes to find, and just make a general nuisance of himself.

"Papa, can we make it 'plode?" Jack asked excitedly when they were finally done.

"This one you have to take to school buddy." Spencer informed him. As Jack's face fell, Spencer hurried to soothe him, "But, I have something else that we can try. Let's go out into the backyard and I'll show you."

Jack scampered off his seat and out the backdoor. Aaron smiled at Spencer, who gave him one in return before grabbing the bottle of diet coke and pack of Mentos. "These candies," Spencer began in a conspiratorial tone, "are going to make that bottle of soda go off kind of like your volcano."

Jack's mouth opened in a silent O. Jack was transfixed and Aaron a little nervous when Spencer retrieved Aaron's drill and proceeded to drill a hole in the cap of the soda and then in each of the candies. Once that had been achieved he straightened a paper clip, leaving a small angle at the end and strung the candies through topping the stack with the bottle cap. After securing his creation with another paper clip Spencer flashed them a grin and walked out into the middle of the backyard with the Diet Coke and the makeshift string of candy. Jack watched with bated breath as Spencer inserted the candy into the neck of the bottle and screwed the top on, then removed the upper paper clip.

Aaron's inner child couldn't help but appreciate the results. A ten foot spray of soda erupted into the air causing Jack to scream and clap merrily. Unfortunately, Spencer had misjudged the time it would take for him to clear the experiment and ended up thoroughly soaked, but still looked the happiest Aaron had seen him in months.

"Papa's all wet!" Jack declared. "You need to go change."

Aaron knew an opportunity when he saw one. "You're absolutely right Jack. Papa should change. He probably needs a shower too." Aaron agreed amiably. He glanced at his watch. "And you need to get to bed. It's after eleven. Papa's going to sleep over." At Spencer near desperate shake of his head Aaron continued smoothly, "You said yourself you didn't want to get back too late. Even if you left now you wouldn't get to JJ's until after midnight. Looks like you're bunking here for the night."

Aaron smirked while Spencer tried his best not to look like a deer in headlights. He couldn't figure out how his salvation had turned into his damnation with one sentence.

"Yay! Papa's sleeping over!" Jack ran and hugged Spencer around the knees, wrinkling his nose when he came into contact with the wet clothing. "Papa, hurry up and change so you can read me a story." Jack took off into the house.

"I'm sleeping in the guest room, Aaron." Spencer whispered as he passed him.

"Of course you are, Spencer." Aaron agreed.

"_Alone._" Spencer clarified.

Aaron made a non committal noise and did his best not to grin like the Cheshire Cat as he led Spencer into the house. It didn't work and Spencer could swear he saw canary feathers poking out the sides of Aaron's mouth.

* * *

Four hours later found an exhausted, yet contented Jack passed out in his bedroom and Aaron and Spencer in the kitchen finalizing the clean up. As Spencer turned his back to and wiped down the counter, Aaron let his eyes wander over Spencer's frame. He'd loaned Spencer a pair of soft flannel pajama bottoms and a white t-shirt. He couldn't help but smile at how Spencer looked in his sleepwear. Spencer turned and looked at him.

"We should talk, Aaron."

"Spencer, it's late and you look tired. Why don't you-"

"Aaron, I have degrees in Psychology and Sociology and I've known you for years. You pulled the same "its late and you look tired" routine on me the first night you got me into bed. Stop trying to manipulate me and get in my pants and let's just…talk." Spencer interrupted suddenly.

Aaron sucked in a breath. He knew that over the course of the last few months of their relationship he had, on more than one occasion been guilty of manipulating Spencer or taking advantage of his lover but Spencer had never called him out on it before.

"Spencer-"

"This isn't fair Aaron."

Aaron winced at the accusatory note in Spencer's voice. "Spencer-"

"This isn't _fair._" Spencer repeated.

"I know," He said slowly. "Do you want-"

"What I want is to know why I'm here. I want to know if you meant anything you said to me the day I moved out. I want to know if you're being driven right now by your heart, your ego or your cock." Spencer demanded.

Aaron rounded the counter to interrupt, to explain his side of things but the dam had broken and Spencer just kept going.

"I spent months, MONTHS trying to get through to you! I was supportive, understanding, sympathetic, accommodating…I did everything that everyone asked of me. I put what I needed and what I was feeling and how I was doing to the side and concentrated on you and I did it without hesitation or restraint because I love you but you…you couldn't even bring yourself to _try _Aaron. That's all I wanted... for you _try._ All I wanted was for you to _talk to me_, but you shut me out and shut me down every single time and it didn't matter to you that it hurt me, it didn't matter to you that _you _were hurting me. _You hurt me Aaron_. You don't get to act like that doesn't matter or didn't happen because suddenly the clouds parted and birds started singing and you saw the light."

"Spencer, I was-"

"Grieving. You were grieving and I know that and I don't blame you for that. You were in pain and you felt guilty and you felt loss and you felt rage. You had every right to; your grief was never the issue. I empathize with your grief and I don't condemn you for that, I never did and I never will." Spencer said.

"Then why-"

Spencer's voice grew hard. "I don't blame you for grieving; I blame you for how you chose to manifest that grief. You were cruel. You were cruel, vindictive, spiteful, violent and malicious. You were selfish, cold, distant and self indulgent. You ignored me, you neglected me, you took me for granted and I…I accepted it. I accepted it because I love you. I accepted it because other than Jack you closed yourself off to _everyone_. I stopped accepting it the minute you decided talking to me was too painful but talking to _her_ wasn't. You couldn't spend five minutes with me but you could spend hours with her and shove it in my face. "

Aaron reached out and grabbed Spencer. "Nothing happened with Jaqueline! God, Spencer if you don't believe anything else I say believe that much. I was never unfaithful to you." His eyes searched Spencer's imploring him to read the truth.

"I know, Aaron." Spencer said bluntly. "I was jealous but not because I thought you were sleeping with her. I was jealous because you let her help you, you let her-"

"She didn't matter, you did! I could let her see me fragile and needy but God Spencer, I couldn't let you!" The words were torn out of the depths of his soul. He pulled Spencer to him. "I couldn't let you see me weak, see me beaten. The day I came out of Strauss' office and you turned and looked at me with so much pity, so much sorrow I _hated it._ Knowing how pathetic and damaged I must have been for you to look at me like that, Spencer it hurt almost as badly as Haley's death, knowing how I'd disappointed you."

Spencer blinked. "Disappointed me?"

Aaron barked out a bitter laugh. "Do you remember what you told me when we first got together? That I was the only person who'd ever come through for you? That everyone else: teachers, your father, Gideon, even your mom to a certain extent left you deal on your own after promising to be there. Not only that, they left you with their crosses to bear and I never wanted to be a burden to you, Spencer. You've had to be the strong one, be the caretaker, and be the responsible one since you were a child. I wanted; I _want_ to be the one who takes care of _you_, who gives you a safe place. I wanted; I _needed_ to be the one person who came through for you. I wanted to be the one who kept their promises. Falling apart and you being stuck picking up the pieces was never part of the plan. _That's_ what wasn't fair! I promised you that I'd take care of you, that I'd always protect you and instead I dumped my ex wife's dead body and a mental breakdown on your doorstep."

Spencer stared at Aaron "Aaron –"

"I know you think this is my ego talking."

"Isn't it?" Spencer challenged.

"Not nearly as much as you think it is." Aaron returned.

Spencer crossed his arms in a clearly defensive, defiant move that screams "bullshit" so Aaron keeps talking. "You told me once I was your hero and I saw that every single time I looked into your eyes. No one, not even Haley, ever looked at me the way you do and yes, yes damn it knowing that someone like you sees me the way you do, or did... was an ego boost. But it was also humbling and I promised myself I would I spend every day of our life together earning that look in your eyes. But then Foyet happened and that day at the round table you looked at me and I saw the same look in your eyes I see when you talk to victims. You saw me as a _victim _Spencer and that meant I'd disappointed you, I'd failed you and-"

"Failed me? How?" Spencer barely restrained himself from reaching out and shaking Aaron. "By being human? By being fallible? Aaron…I'm not Haley-"

"Don't." Aaron stepped back; of all the things he'd been prepared to discuss this hadn't been one of them.

"Oh no." Spencer's hand snaked out and grabbed Aaron's wrist to stop his retreat. "If we're talking, we're talking about it all. I. Am. Not. Haley." He ground out.

"You think I don't know that?" Aaron snapped. Spencer was hitting in places Aaron hadn't thought to defend and he needed it to stop. "Haley didn't have a penis and she didn't-"

"Know how to live with the man you became." Spencer finished. "The boy she fell in love with wanted to be a lawyer. That man would have been home for dinner every night and they would have lived in a house with a white picket fence and a dog and 2.3 kids. The man she ended up with hunted violent psychopaths for a living and was gone more than he was home and when he was home he was in a silent panic because he was always waiting for the phone to ring to tell him his time there was up. And for all the things it cost him, for all the things it cost her, giving it up was not an option him and she couldn't live with that. This wasn't the life she signed on for and you weren't the person she needed you to be."

"Don't you dare criticize her. I promised Haley so many things and I failed her. I failed her and I got her killed." Aaron whispered.

"I'm NOT criticizing her!" Spencer said. "I liked Haley and I understand her point of view. Neither of you are bad people but she needed you to be…she needed you to fit into her world view. She needed you to be the perfect husband and the perfect father and give her the perfect life that you two plotted out before either of you were old enough to vote! And I'm not faulting her…this life, what we do and what it makes us into, is hard. It's hard for us and it's hard for the people who love us and it's not the life Haley ever wanted for herself. She did her best, you did your best, at the end of the day you were just two people who wanted completely different things weren't going to be able to make it work-"

"Thank you very fucking much Dr. Reid." Aaron's voice was ice cold, "But I do not need you to dissect my failed marriage."

Spencer narrowed his eyes. "I think you do. I think you need someone to tell you that you weren't the only reason that marriage failed. I think you need someone to tell you that the life you chose and the man you are IS good enough. And I think you need someone to tell you it's ok to fail. It's ok to give it your absolute best and still fall short because as hard as it is and as much as it hurts, it's _human_. You walk around here like a member of Opus Dei giving yourself 40 lashes and paying penance-"

"Haley was _murdered!_" Hotch barked. "Foyet broke into my _home_, held me down on the floor and stabbed me nine fucking times. He made me weak and he made me his victim and then he went after my family and I was useless! Do you know what that felt like? I have always been able to defend and protect what was mine and he _stole_ that from me. The son of a bitch marked me. Every fucking time I undress I am reminded of what he did to me, what he took from me! He stole months of Jack's life that I won't ever get back, but what's worse than that even before he killed her he destroyed Haley. He took a wrecking ball to the life Haley had built for herself. Did you know she'd gone back to school? That she was working as a paralegal? That she'd made friends, that she-, "Aaron drew in a ragged breath before continuing," She was _happy_. The last time Haley had been happy, totally happy, was before I took the assignment with the BAU. Even Jack didn't…she wanted to be a mother and we were good back then, mostly good but underneath…she was disappointed. She told me all the time she felt like a single parent. And she was- there were times when I would go weeks without being able to spend any significant time with Jack. And as time wore on, Haley was miserable! She was lonely and frustrated and disappointed and it was because I made choices she had to live with and it eventually drove her into another man's bed and out of my life."

"Aaron-"

"And after all that, all the bitterness, all the anger, all the broken promises and missed opportunities she was finally _happy_. After all that pain she was finally, mercifully, thankfully _happy_ and once again because of choices I made that was taken away from her. And I looked at her, I _promised _her I'd spend the rest of my life making it up to her and then I let her _die_. She stood in our home, our _home_, and knew her life was about to come to an end. She died because I was too selfish, too arrogant, and _too fucking late_ to save her. I could have given up the BAU and-"

"And what Aaron? Been miserable? Because you and I both know that you would have been and eventually Haley would have resented you for not being to be happy without the job and you would have resented her for making you give it up." Spencer protested hotly.

Aaron wanted to argue. Even knowing Spencer was right did nothing to quell his guilt. "She's _dead._ I have saved countless lives but I failed the one person I vowed to love, honor and cherish. She's _dead_ and she'll never know how sorry I am or how much I wanted to be the man she wanted me to be or how hard I tried. God, Spencer I tried. I tried and I failed and I knew better. I knew from the time I was old enough to hide the bruises and the burn marks that failure was catastrophic. I knew what failure meant, I learned it the hard way but I got arrogant and complacent and I forgot those lessons but this time it wasn't my blood that spilled for that failure it was Haley's. I failed and she paid for it."

Aaron was valiantly fighting back tears and it broke Spencer's heart. "Come here." He began dragging Aaron down the hall towards Jack's room.

"Spencer-"

"Shh. Just come and be quiet."

When they reached the doorway to Jack's room Spencer pushed the door in slightly. Jack was ensconced in his covers, one leg of his Captain America pajamas sticking out, clutching his teddy bear, sleeping peacefully.

"Do you see that? Do you see your son_? Do you see him?_ Every day that Jack wakes up happy, loved, and protected is a day that you didn't fail Haley. Every night that he feels safe enough to go to sleep without being haunted by nightmares or looking for monsters under his bed or George fucking Foyet in his closet is a night that you kept your promise to Haley. You…you may not have been able to save her but you saved Jack and every time that he laughs, that he experiences joy, every time he is brave enough to face his fears you honor his mother and that matters Aaron. It matters to me, to Jessica, to Haley's parents, to Jack and I feel, no I know it would matter to Haley."

Aaron stood and looked at his son for several minutes before pulling the door shut. He turned and faced Spencer. "I can't do this without you." He whispered.

"Aaron-"

"Come." This time is was Aaron who took Spencer's hand and led him into living room. "I know that after the way I treated you, the way I hurt you I don't have the right to ask but Spencer I'm selfish. I need you in my life. I know that I was a mess when you were here but I'm falling apart with you gone, _really _falling apart. I'll do whatever it takes to make you believe me, we'll take this as slow as you want, but I can't, I won't let this be over."

"I want to trust you. I want to believe you but Aaron…you hurt me. You didn't…I never needed or expected you to be perfect but I did need you to be _there_. I trusted you to be there for me…and you _left_. Not physically, but you left me all the same. Night after night, day after day, you left me in our bed, in this house, in our relationship _alone._ You didn't fail me Aaron," Spencer looked Aaron in the eye, "you abandoned me. I don't know if I can…I can't do that again. Be here alone. Be rejected again, told I'm not good enough-"

"Spencer! I never said-"Aaron started.

"You did!" Spencer accused. "You made me trust you, you made me love you and then things got hard and you left me! I wanted to help. I wanted to be there for you…I didn't judge you or care that you weren't made of fucking stone and that you were hurting and needed someone to lean on, Aaron. I thought you understood that, I thought you knew that. I'm not Haley!" Spencer's voice rose with his emotion.

Spencer glared at Aaron. "I fell in love with you. The man you are. The guy with the sense of humor so dry its dusty and who holds himself to standards he'd never expect anyone else to even consider remotely possible. I fell in love with the man who works twelve hour days and then coaches Jack's soccer team on the weekends. I fell in love with the man who refuses to compromise his ideals and his principles for himself but will bend into a pretzel to protect the people he loves and debates Chip 'N' Dale Rescue Rangers with me as easily as the definition of classic narcissism. I fell in love with the man who took me to into his home and promised me I'd never spend another night alone." Spencer looked at Aaron, his eyes bright with unshed tears. "I fell in love with you and _you left me."_

Understanding crashed down on Aaron in waves. He'd been so concerned that he'd failed Spencer by breaking down, that he didn't realize he'd actually done was the one thing Spencer feared most: He'd abandoned him. By retreating into his grief and refusing to let Spencer in, he'd left his lover alone to emotionally fend for himself and when Spencer had tried to reach out and bring Aaron back to him he'd been vicious. He'd manifested Spencer's worst fear.

He cautiously reached out and drew Spencer to him. No sooner had he made contact than Spencer crumbled. Aaron held on tightly as Spencer slumped forward and the tears began to fall.

"I'm so sorry." Aaron said, ignoring the wetness of his own face. "You'll never know how much I wish I could take this back, how badly I wish I'd never hurt you. You're right. I'm guilty of every charge you've leveled against me and I can't do anything but throw myself on your mercy. I love you Spencer, I love you so much it's a physical ache to have you gone and I'd rather spend every day of my life living trying to earn back your love and your trust than to live without you." Aaron stopped, feeling as if his own heart were breaking as he finally saw the extent of the damage he'd done to Spencer.

Spencer shook his head. "I don't do this." He whispered.

"Do what sweetheart?" Aaron asked, confused and worried.

"I don't come back for more. You aren't the only one who learned lessons in pain and punishment, so did I. I learned…I learned if you get left you don't let them come back because they'll leave again and it'll just hurt worse. I don't do _this. _But you make me want to, you make me…want to believe it'll be ok and it'll be safe and good and I won't get hurt again and it's not fair that you can do that to me. It's not fair that I want to be with you more than I want to protect myself. I love you so much that it scares me. You and Jack and _this," Spencer_ gestured around the room, "this is all I've ever wanted and I don't want to give it up and I don't want it to be taken from me but I'm so scared. I want to come home, I want to come home but I don't know if …you hurt me so…I _don't do this_." Spencer broke down.

"Do you think you're the only one going against the grain here Spencer?" Aaron murmured into his temple. "I don't beg. I didn't beg my father, not once I got old enough to decide not to give him the satisfaction. I didn't beg Haley and I didn't even beg Foyet when he attacked me but you have me on my knees, Spencer Reid. You have the power to do what my father and Haley and even Foyet couldn't do…you have the power to break me. I don't…I don't do _this_ either Spencer."

Spencer was quiet for a long moment. "Being angry with you is exhausting."

"Knowing that you're angry is exhausting." Aaron countered.

"I…I hate that you have this kind of power over me. I always knew you did, but…before I trusted you not to abuse it." Spencer confessed.

Aaron swallowed. "I hate that you have the same kind of power over me. No one knows me the way you know me. I've never let anyone else…never trusted anyone else enough to be weak."

"I want to trust you." Spencer said quietly, pulling away. "But I'm scared you'll leave me alone again."

"I want to trust you too," Aaron whispered. "But I'm afraid I'll disappoint you like I did my father, like I did Haley."

Silence reigned for a few minutes. Aaron wanted to draw Spencer close again, run his fingers through his hair, drop kisses onto his skin and sooth him but he knew he needed to give Spencer space and time to work out whatever was going on in his head.

Spencer slowly, carefully crawled back into Aaron's embrace and Aaron's arms wrapped around him immediately. "I could live without you. I could get up, go to work, see Jack, go to class, see my friends, read my books, write letters to my mom and live my life without you."

Aaron's heart constricted but then he realized Spencer was still talking. "I _could _but I'd be miserable. And I think…no, I believe you'd be miserable and by default Jack would be miserable. T-t-there's no reason for all of us to miserable apart if…we can be happy together." He finished softly.

Aaron ran his fingertips over Spencer's cheek. "No reason at all." He agreed.

"You can't ever do something like this to me, to us again."

"I know. I won't. I won't ever make the mistake of trying to hide from you baby. Not ever again." Aaron said.

"You promise?" Spencer asked.

Aaron knew the word choice was deliberate. Spencer knew Aaron truly believed that a man was only as good as his word.

"I was lost without you and I never want to feel that again. I promise." Aaron answered.

"I'm still scared."

"Me too."

"We can be scared together."

"Yes," Aaron said pulling Spencer tighter against him, "we can."


	9. Blind

**Blind**

If I could tear you from the ceiling  
I know the best have tried  
I'd fill your every breath with meaning  
And find the place we both could hide

Don't go and leave me  
And please don't drive me blind  
Don't go and leave me  
And please don't drive me blind

You don't believe me  
But you do this every time  
Please don't drive me blind  
Please don't drive me blind

I know you're broken  
I know you're broken  
I know you're broken

If I could tear you from the ceiling  
I'd freeze us both in time  
And find a brand new way of seeing  
Your eyes forever glued to mine.  
~ Blind, Placebo

Aaron Hotchner was supposed to be working. He was in his home office, sitting behind his desk, files piled high, soft strains of classic rock filling the room with a pleasant wall of white noise, elegant Caran d'Ache fountain pen in his hand waiting to swoop and swirl across the page. At first glance the beleaguered Unit Chief was hard at work…until one glanced again and noticed he was nursing a glass of scotch and wearing a pensive, contemplative expression that could not be related to budget cuts or Bureau politics. Aaron's thoughts were on much more important-and personal things.

He knew he wasn't making the best use of his time. Spencer had taken Jack to the park so Aaron would have a few uninterrupted hours in which to get reports read and notes made. The silence, the emptiness, the stillness of the house had only served to push Aaron into thinking of things he'd been resolutely trying to ignore.

Spencer had moved back in two weeks ago. Seven weeks post break up, one month post breakthrough, he had come back home and they had, for all intents and purposes, gotten back to some semblance of comfortable normality. At work they had almost choreographed synchronicity, following each other's leaps of logic and bouncing theories and ideas off of each other. With Jack they were in perfect harmony, helping with homework, laughing their way through dinner conversations, evening movies and swapping out his bedtime routine. Their son had had a permanent smile on his face since the day Spencer came back home and his fear that his Papa would leave again was slowly abating. They talked, they laughed, they argued and they fit just as seamlessly as they had before things had fallen apart.

They had discussed seeing a counselor but neither of them was entirely comfortable with the idea. Aaron because of his trust and control issues and Spencer because the idea of any kind of therapy in an official setting tread too closely to his worst fears. Instead they adopted a policy of transparency. They agreed to be open, honest and available. They actively put their relationship and their family first. They devoted time to family outings and activities with Jack and to one another. Things were, on the surface, back on track. And for that, Aaron was grateful, and he was happy but he couldn't deny he was also worried.

If he didn't look too closely, Aaron could pretend all was right in the Hotchner-Reid world. But the problem with being a trained profiler, and what's worse a once divorced trained profiler, was that Aaron wasn't satisfied with how things appeared on the surface. It was in his nature to look a little closer, dig a little deeper, push a little harder, and drag the river until the things that lie beneath rose to the surface and revealed themselves. Aaron could give into his fear, pretend he didn't see, didn't know, couldn't believe that everything wasn't as it should be but he had been down a similar road once with Haley. He'd ignored the signs once and let the little cracks turn into unbridgeable chasms and he refused to do that with Spencer. Despite the laughter, despite the love, despite Spencer's renewed presence in their home and in his life, something was wrong. And Aaron knew exactly what that something was and he knew why it was an issue. His real problem was that he had no idea what to do about it.

Aaron and Spencer had come back together in every way but one: they still weren't having sex. Which isn't to say they weren't affectionate or sexual, they were, almost indecently so. They were constantly touching whether it was casual brushing of their fingers as they exchanged files or handed one another coffee in the mornings, the reassuring pressure of a shoulder clap out in the field or a guiding hand on the small of the back, or passionate caresses late at night in their bed, or as the case had been last week, in a non descript hotel room in a small Nebraska town. They weren't avoiding contact or intimacy. They made out like naughty teenagers and Aaron had given and received more hand and blow jobs in the last two weeks than at any other point in his life, but Spencer always pulled back just shy of actually making love. And Aaron couldn't bring himself to keep feigning ignorance as to the reason why. He knew that it wasn't lack of desire or absence of love that was holding Spencer back.

It was a lack of trust.

Spencer didn't trust him and he was holding himself back, keeping himself safe. Aaron didn't need to ask himself why, he had given Spencer more than enough reason to feel he needed to insulate himself. Spencer was a master at the art of self-preservation, having learned in childhood the dangers of allowing his defenses to be breached by the wrong people. He carried those lessons with him, ever present just beneath the surface. They were in the way he avoided physical contact with strangers and flinched involuntarily when even a familiar hand was laid on him without warning. Aaron could see it in the way his brow would furrow and his eyes would cloud over ever so slightly when he was teased by a member of their "family", searching their face, evaluating their body language and tone of voice as if to reassure himself the teasing was in jest, not malice. It was in the way he guarded his secrets and refused to admit his weaknesses, wary of them being turned into weapons to be used against him. The ghost of Spencer's childhood haunted him, and try as he might he had never been fully able to exorcise those demons and whenever he got close life would conspire against him in the cruelest of ways: Elle's departure, Nathan Harris, Tobias Hankle, his addiction issues, Gideon's abandonment, finding out his father had lived a mere ten minutes away and never lifted a finger to help him, Adam Jackson, getting shot and the subsequent months of physical therapy –without the benefit of narcotic pain medication. And now, now Aaron had to add himself to growing list of cheap shots life had taken at Spencer.

Aaron's emotional freefall and self-imposed exile after Haley's death had not only taken Spencer by surprise, they'd taken their toll on him. Aaron's shutting him out, highlighted by intermittent acts of cruelty and sharp tongued rejections of Spencer's attempts at comforting him and capped off by Aaron turning to a virtual stranger had left Spencer's faith in him shaken, his trust him damaged.

Aaron drained his glass and savored the burn from the amber liquid as it trailed fire down his throat and spread throughout his chest. He knew they needed to talk it out, and soon, for both their sakes.

Aaron was angry. He was angry that he'd let them fall so far and that he'd given Foyet so much influence. He was angry that he'd allowed grief and guilt to dictate his responses and that even from beyond the grave Foyet had been able to reach out and disrupt his life, because Aaron had given him the power to do so.

He sighed. He thought about Jack, about Spencer and the life that they had and the life that they'd planned. He thought about the space between the two of them and he thought about what he needed to do to bridge the gap.

"Aaron?"

Aaron's head snapped up. He had been so deep in thought he hadn't heard Spencer come in.

"We ran into Jess and Danny in the park. They were going to a movie and invited Jack…he gave me that look; you know the one where his eyes go all big and wide? I had to say yes. Then he pushed to sleep over since Nate's there this weekend and Jess said his stuff was still there from last time so…I said yes. I ah, hope that's ok." Spencer explained, removing his jacket and ever present messenger bag.

Aaron chuckled. He knew that look well. It was the same wide eyed, "how could you ever say no?" look that Spencer employed when he wanted something.

"It's fine." He mentally squared his shoulders and looked up at Spencer. "Actually, it's better than fine. We need to talk." He got up and moved over to the couch motioning for Spencer to sit next to him.

Spencer swallowed. "Ok. Is…is something wrong?" He asked hesitantly.

Aaron heard the fear Spencer was trying to suppress and thought about lying. It would be so easy for him to say, _No, everything's ok. _But it would lying to himself and worse than that, lying to Spencer. He and Spencer had agreed to be honest with each other, and be brave for one another and that's what Aaron was going to do now. "Yes." He said bluntly.

Spencer perched on the end of the couch, eyeing Aaron warily. "Did…is it something I did?"

Aaron shook his head. "No. You haven't done anything babe. This is…this is about what I did and how it's still affecting you, affecting us."

Spencer raised an eyebrow. "Aaron, we're…its ok. The last few months have been rough but I'm here, I'm home. And everyone's finally happy. Jack's happy. The team's happy. I thought we were happy. What is this? Where is this coming from?"

Aaron brushed his knuckles across Spencer's cheek. "This is coming from somewhere between the depths of my soul and the bottom of my heart." He answered. He kissed Spencer slowly, gently and then pulled back so he could look him in the eye. "Spencer…do you trust me?"

Spencer hesitated and doubt flashed in his hazel orbs. It was brief, it was fleeting and if Aaron hadn't been expecting for it, looking for it, he would have missed it. "I…I want to." Spencer answered.

"Why don't you?" Aaron asked directly. He had ideas, assumptions, theories…but he needed to hear Spencer say it so they could finally tear down the final wall that stood between them.

Spencer literally curled into himself. He toed off his shoes and drew his knees into his chest, wrapping his arms around them and holding himself as if he were afraid he was about to fly apart. He lowered his head onto his knees and whispered brokenly, "You stopped." Spencer drew in a shaky breath and continued, "You stopped t-talking to me. You stopped needing me," His voice broke, "You stopped loving me."

Aaron's arms snaked out and pulled Spencer to him. "God, Spencer how could you think that? I could never stop loving you, I _have_ never stopped loving you. Why…why would you think that?" He asked bewildered. Of all the explanations he'd expected, Spencer thinking he didn't love him had never entered the realm of his consciousness.

Spencer sat with his head against Aaron's chest, Aaron's fingers running through his hair for several long moments. "You just…stopped." He said. "It wasn't…you didn't shut down gradually or pull away a little bit at a time. It was so sudden. If you had been building up to it I would have been…if I'd seen it coming I could have been ready for it. I would have been better prepared but you just… stopped. I mean, you'd had bad days before and you'd been distant but you were still there, you still tried. Then you just…stopped. I don't know why, it was a good day the day before. We took Jack to the park, we went for ice cream, we came home and we m-made love and then the next day it was…it was Jessica's birthday and you left the party early and when I got home you…you were just _gone. Just like my dad, like Gideon, you were just gone._" The last words came out an anguished sob.

Aaron winced. Being compared to Gideon or worse, William Reid let him know just how much damage he'd done. He couldn't refute what Spencer said, he knew exactly what had been the catalyst for his shift from grieving to remembered the day quite well.

Jessica's birthday, he remembered everything about that day, as much as he wished he could forget. He remembered walking into the kitchen and seeing Jessica fighting back tears and locking eyes with Catherine Brooks as she comforted her remaining daughter. He recalled the flash of anger and accusation in her eyes, eyes so much like Haley's that it stole his breath and suddenly they _were _Haley's eyes, cold, dead, blank staring sightlessly, lifelessly, accusingly up at him while blood cooled and congealed around her chest and neck, the side of her head-

Aaron shook the memory away and refocused. "I...I walked in on Jessica and Catherine. Jess was upset. She was missing Haley and her mother was comforting her and it just…I couldn't breathe anymore. It crashed down on me and I just...it was too much. Too much pain, too much loss, too much guilt and I got lost in it. I just…I thought I deserved to suffer. I hated that Haley had died because of me, my choices, my arrogance, my failure. She…never chose this, never wanted it_. I_ did_. I_ chose the FBI_. I_ chose the BAU_. I_ chose not to take Foyet's deal and she…she _**died **_because of it. I thought and I still think sometimes, that I should suffer for that."

Spencer shook his head against Aaron's chest. "She died because of _**Foyet's**_choices, not yours. _He_ chose to be a murderer. _He_ chose to target Haley. _He_ chose to take her life. He knew you'd never take that deal when he offered it to you…I know you know that Aaron. And Haley…she wouldn't want this for you. She told you as much. Foyet, even though he did it to torture you, he gave you and Haley a gift at the end. He let her…speak. So often all we have are crime scene photos and forensic reports and witness interviews but the v-victim never gets to speak. Haley did. You don't have to wonder about what she was thinking or feeling in her final moments, what she wanted, how she felt. _She told you_. Haley…knew. She knew that it was…extremely unlikely that she was going to survive. Foyet tried to…get her to rage at you. He told her she was dying because of you and…Haley could have run with that. She could have castigated you for every broken promise and disappointment and placed the albatross of her death around your neck but she didn't."

Aaron broke in, "Foyet told her about the deal. She had to hate me, she –"

Spencer shook his head. "She made a choice. Faced with what could have been her final moments Haley chose love. She told you to tell Jack your story and about the boy she fell in love with and to make sure he remembered how important love was. She could have spent those moments punishing you…Haley's choice was to spend them freeing you. Haley forgave you, Jack never blamed you and if they…they really hated you Haley's family wouldn't do the things they do Aaron. Jessica wouldn't go out of her way to take care of you as well as Jack, she wouldn't have offered to help with Jack, and she would have let you take Strauss' offer. Catherine wouldn't "just happen to be in the neighborhood" with a complete dinner in tow several times a month-they live almost an hour away. Do you honestly think Tom has so many "last minute" buddies cancel out at being the fourth for the poker game or suddenly be unable to make tee time at the club? The only person that blamed you, who's punished you, is YOU."

"And in doing so, I punished you." Aaron said sadly.

Spencer didn't bother to deny it. "You did."

"And you don't trust me anymore."

"I'm trying."

"How can I help?"

Spencer licked his lips. "I don't know. I want…I want to trust you. I want to…be with you. No restrictions, no restraint but I don't …I can't."

Aaron fingered the silken strands of Spencer's hair. "What's stopping you?"

At first Aaron was afraid Spencer wasn't going to answer. Then he felt him draw in a long, unsteady breath and heard the feather light whisper, "I'm afraid you'll leave me. I'm afraid you'll just…go away again or …or replace me again."

Aaron closed his eyes and dropped a kiss on the top of Spencer's head. "Baby, you are irreplaceable. And for the record, that _wasn't _what I was doing. Jacqueline was never a replacement for you, there IS no replacement for you and I may not have an IQ of 187 but I'm smart enough to know that. I was just…lost. And making bad decisions and it had nothing, _nothing _to do with you or how I felt about you. It was just…she didn't know me. She had no idea who I was before Foyet, before Haley's death. There was no chance to disappoint her and if I did…it didn't matter. She didn't have my heart, she didn't have the power to hurt me. I wish I could go back. I wish I could change things but I can't. I can promise you though; I won't repeat the mistakes I made."

"How can I know that? How do you know that?" Spencer pressed.

Aaron's mouth twisted in a wry smile. "I think the fact that I went to straight to hell in a hand basket without you is a pretty good deterrent."

A smile ghosted over Spencer's face. "Good." He murmured.

Aaron suppressed a laugh. "Nice to know my suffering meets your approval. But honestly, Spencer, I will never do this to either of us again. If something this bad ever hits again, I won't shut you out. I'll trust in you, in us and I'll lean on you. I can't promise it will be easy or that I won't be –"

"An ass?" Spencer supplied helpfully.

Aaron huffed a laugh. "Yes, an ass." He agreed. "But I do promise that I won't do this to you or to myself again."

"Don't make me a promise you can't keep." Spencer said his eyes guarded.

"I'm not."

"Okay then." Spencer whispered.

Aaron held him close, giving him to process the conversation. He knew that when things became intense his lover often retreated into his own head and that the best thing to do was to wait him out, quietly with no pressure or attempts to draw him out. Eventually Spencer shifted so that he was almost in Aaron's lap.

"I love you." He said quietly. "I really love you. I walked away before because I had to and it…it was hard Aaron. I don't want to ever have to do it again."

"I don't ever plan on giving you another reason to. I'm here, I'm yours and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to rebuild your trust in me."

Spencer pulled back and searched Aaron's face. Whatever he'd been looking for, he must have found because he leaned in and gently placed a tiny, chaste kiss on Aaron's lips. He rose and held out his hand to Aaron. "I love you. And I can't love you in bits and pieces. I love all of who you are and I…I want to love you with all of who I am."

Aaron stood and took Spencer's hand. "This wasn't me pushing or pressuring you. You don't have to do anything you aren't comfortable with or ready for."

Spencer brushed his lips over Aaron's fingers. "I know. The fact that you didn't push me, that you haven't pressured me and that just now, you let me in and you listened it…Aaron, you hate being exposed. But you just did…you trusted me enough to be open and vulnerable. And I want to do the same." He pressed their lips together then whispered, "I miss you Aaron. I miss being yours."

Aaron groaned. He wanted to push Spencer back onto the couch and just _take _him, but he knew he had to let Spencer set the pace. He didn't want to push too hard or go too fast. Instead, he allowed Spencer to lead him down the hall into their bedroom. Aaron toed off his shoes and socks while Spencer removed his cardigan and sat on the bed. Aaron went to him, and they began to kiss. It was soft and slow at first, gradually building in heat and intensity until Spencer began to move to lie back on the bed and Aaron followed until he was stretched out on top of him.

Spencer's hands roamed over Aaron's shoulders and over his shirt. He undid the buttons slowly and then parted it to slide the crisp, white button off Aaron's shoulders. He placed butterfly kisses along Aaron's collarbone, stopping every now and again suck and lick at the hollow of his throat.

Aaron echoed Spencer's movements, divesting the doctor of his shirt and mouthing the expanse of exposed flesh. He threaded his hands through Spencer's hair and kissed him, tongue exploring the hot sweetness of Spencer's mouth. He pulled away and traced his fingers over Spencer's face, drinking in the longing, need and want revealed in his lover's eyes. "I love you, Spencer. So much more than you know." Before Spencer could answer him, Aaron claimed his mouth again and Spencer's breath hitched and he moaned into the kiss.

"I love you." Aaron breathed.

Spencer's eyes flitted closed and he let out a long, slow breath. "I know," he said reaching up and twining his fingers through Aaron's, "I love you too."

Aaron closed his eyes and breathed Spencer in. He buried his face in Spencer's locks and kissed his temple, trailing tiny kisses down the side of Spencer's face. He cupped Spencer's face in his hands and looked into his eyes. "I feel like you…you and Jack are the only things that make the world make sense to me. When you left…when I lost you, I realized you took the best of me with you."

Spencer looked Aaron in the eyes and smiled. "While I was gone I realized I left the best of me with you." Spencer whispered. He kissed Aaron again, slow, languid but needy.

Aaron's hands slid down Spencer's side and his fingers traced patterns on Spencer's stomach. "Tell me what you need." He murmured.

Spencer's hands tightened on Aaron's shoulders. "You. I need you. Don't ever leave me again."

"I won't." Aaron declared quietly, but fiercely. He sealed their mouths together and let his hands travel the familiar road of sinewy muscle and smooth skin of Spencer's chest, lightly teasing a nipple, ghosting over his ribs, mapping the hollow of his throat.

Spencer arched under him, skin scorched by the feather light touch, wordlessly seeking more contact. "Aaron, I need you." He pleaded. He placed his hand over one of Aaron's and guided it to his belt. When Aaron's fingers hesitated on the buckle, Spencer responded by moving his hands to Aaron's belt and deftly undoing it and the top button of his slacks. He unzipped his lover and guided the smooth fabric of his trousers down his hips, taking his boxers along with them. Aaron kicked out of his pants and then followed Spencer's lead, undoing Spencer's belt and divesting him of his pants and boxers, lips following the stiff material of his khaki's kissing every inch of exposed skin as he divested the genius of his coverings.

Spencer pushed himself against Aaron, savoring the drag of skin on skin, scraping his teeth over Aaron's shoulder and shifting so Aaron's weight could rest comfortably in the cradle of his body. "Please…Aaron, I need you." He kissed Aaron again, hard, almost bruising, desperate in its intensity and need.

Aaron reluctantly pulled away from Spencer, leaning over to rummage blindly in the nightstand until he found the lube. He slicked his hand and massaged Spencer's entrance with one hand, while he took his tongue and lapped at his nipples, biting and then soothing the ache until they were firm, hardened peaks and Spencer was moaning and writhing beneath him. He then pressed his finger inside Spencer, preparing him as gently as he had the very first time they'd made love.

"Aaron…_Aaron_ more." Spencer moaned. His body was on fire and wanted to _feel _Aaron for the first time in months. He pushed back against Aaron's finger encouraging him, giving him permission to go harder, further, give him more.

Aaron groaned and pushed his finger in deeper, sliding it in and out a few times before adding a second, and then a third. Spencer let out a strangled, needy sound and arched, the fingers of one hand fisting the sheets, the other finding the short tufts of Aaron's hair.

Aaron moved down and Spencer's cock into his mouth. He swallowed his lover, his lips sliding along the shaft, his tongue curling underneath and wrapping around the head. He hollowed his cheeks and began to suck.

"Mngh…_Aaron," _Spencer gasped, tightening his hold. Desire burned through his veins, leaving him highly sensitized and in a lust filled haze. "Aaron, Aaron please...oh please oh more."

Aaron redoubled his efforts, humming around Spencer's erection and scissored his fingers, stretching Spencer fully, taking more and more of Spencer's length down his throat.

"Please Aaron. I need you, I want you…_I need to feel you."_

"Me too, baby." Aaron said as he pulled off of Spencer's member and leaned in for a passionate kiss. "I can't lose you again, I won't lose you again." He whispered, resting his forehead on Spencer's.

"I can't lose you either."

"You won't." Aaron promised. He knew that he shouldn't make Spencer that type of promise. That he could meet his end at an UnSub's bullet or drunk drivers folly or freak accident but he also knew he would never willingly walk away from the young man who held his heart. "Can I have you baby?" He whispered.

"Yes." Spencer's whisper was thick with need, drowning in emotion, barely audible. Aaron positioned himself and pressed inside. Spencer moaned, and nearly sobbed as he succumbed to the familiar feeling of Aaron inside him, taking him, claiming him, loving him. Aaron thrust slowly, his lips running along Spencer's neck, his one hand lodging itself in Spencer's hair.

Spencer's hands slid up Aaron's back, gripping his shoulders, rocking his hips up to meet Aaron's thrusts. "You can't leave me, please, please don't ever leave me again." His nails raked a trail of file down Aaron's back and he raised his legs up over Aaron's hips.

Aaron growled, low and fierce, the twin sensations of the pain in his back and the pleasure wrapped around his cock threatening to tip him over the edge. "I won't, not ever, I promise." He ground out. "I'm yours, I'll always be here and I'll always be yours." He assured Spencer as he slid in and out of his lithe body, kissing him hungrily, tongue moving in and out, mimicking their love making. He broke their kiss and sank his teeth into the pale flesh of Spencer's neck, biting, sucking and licking. He worked hard, leaving a mark, prominent and proud, vibrant red and pulsing; high up where no shirt would cover it and the world would see and know that Spencer was his.

Spencer's hands wandered down to pull at Aaron's hips, dragging him in deeper, urging him to thrust harder. He clenched his muscles around him. Aaron changed the angle of his thrusts, began stroking Spencer in time with his thrusts. Spencer cried out, his face flush with pleasure, eyes half closed, as he found his release hot and sticky, coming in bursts and spurts between them. Pleasure, love, possession and desire warred within Aaron. His hips sped up, his thrusts becoming harder, deeper and more forceful until he couldn't hold back any longer and he came hot and hard, a low growl in his throat and Spencer's name tumbling from his lips.

Their world reduced to harsh pants and shaky exhales of breath as they struggled to get themselves back under control. Aaron slid off of Spencer and onto his back. He gathered his lover to him and wrapped his arms around him. "I love you," he whispered, dropping small kissed into his hair and along the side of his face, "No matter what Spencer, never doubt that I love you and I promise you that will never change."

Spencer sighed and settled into the embrace, absently running his hands along Aaron's skin. "I know. I…I wouldn't have…we wouldn't be here, like this, right now, if I didn't."

Aaron tightened his hold. "No matter what happens in the future Spencer, we'll get through it. Together. Always together."

"Together." Spencer whispered. He snuggled closer and nipped Aaron's ear. "Although I think, right now, what we need to get through together is a shower. And then maybe some dinner."

Aaron laughed softly. "That sounds like a good idea. What are you making?"

Spencer raised his eyebrows and pouted. "A phone call to Ming's China Garden." He declared, rolling out of Aaron's embrace and heading towards the shower. "Just for that, you shower alone."

Aaron was out of bed in a flash, throwing Spencer over his shoulder in a fireman's carry and heading towards the bathroom. "Like hell I am. And call King of Tandoor. I feel like Indian."

"Call them yourself and put me down." Spencer laughed, playfully swatting Aaron's ass from his position.

"It's your turn to make dinner. If you're not cooking, you can at least call." Aaron said as he maneuvered them into the bathroom and turned on the shower, setting Spencer down.

Spencer shot him a mercenary grin. "If you do it for me I promised to thank you profusely." Spencer said coyly, stepping into the shower.

Aaron's cock jerked and his tongue darted out to lick his lips. "How profusely?"

"Come in here and find out."

A wolfish grin spread across Aaron's face as he followed his lover into the shower.


End file.
